(원본)
As every medicine that is overused or misused can lead to aggravating diseases, rather than curing them, computers also have both their negative sides and positive sides. (..?). Given the fact that computers have significantly contributed to the improvement of daily lives, it might be way too much( 이건 informal같은데요.. way too much) to say that it is absolutely a waste of time to play with computers(playing computer games 가 맞지않나요? Play with computers 는 좀 다른뜻같은데요). However, it is also true that spending too much time with computers, especially for children, causes many side-effects that computer scientists failed to predict because it severely retards cognitive ability of children as well as becomes a culprit of obesity of kids.
(제가 써본거)
Although the modern medicine has proven its effectiveness in curing patience, overusing any medicine is likely to lead people to even more serious health conditions than their previous health condition. I believe that the very same principle can be applied to computer. Computer has indeed made numerous great contributions to society from simplifying the process of paying tax to reducing work time by providing people to easy access programs. However, in a different perspective, spending excessive time by playing computer games can cause many adverse impacts on children; this includes retarding cognitive ability of children, and also being a major reason of child obesity problem.
Obviously, it is necessary for kids to obtain some computer skills in order for them to survive (in) the highly advanced society that requires basic skills of computers ( basic computer skill). However, on the contrary to popular beliefs, the opposite phenomenon ( awkward expression) has occurred in a relatively short period of computer history. It severely blocked children's development of intelligence and cognition.
제가 금욜날 시험이 있어서 시간관계상 여까지 만 나름 해봤어요... grammarboy 님이 만약 sentence simplification 만 더 improve 하면 더 좋을거 같아요 그럼 이만..