Playing sports teaches people important lessons about life.
Some people say that sports are essential part of our life order to reduce stress in complex(busy 라고 써보면 어떨까요?) society. However, in spite of some advantages of sports, I strongly disagree that sports can give us priceless lessons about life. This is because sports are waste of time and energy. Beside, sports can convey the wrong message about life.
To begin with, most of sports are extremely time-consuming work due to the fact that games have strongly (이단어는 그냥 지우시는게 나을듯해요. 약간 어색한듯;)addictive quality(due the the fact that people can get addicted to playing games하면 그냥 알아보기더 쉽지 않을까용?) . This is because the more we play sports, the more interesting they become. Also, we put priority on playing sports and leave what we have to do behind. After all, there are no more time and energy for productive activities. For example, when I was a high school student, I was hooked up with playing baseball. After all, I spent too much time playing baseball and ended up failing mid-term exam. If I had not spent on play sports, I would not have wasted time and energy.(여기서 time and energy 를하면 정보 두개를 넣으시는게 되잖아요. 그래서 두개를 나누시거나 아님 충분히 하나로도 문단을 잘 꾸려나갈거라고 생각합니다. 상황과정결과식으로 약간더 내용을 예시에 덧붙여서 적어보시길 바랍니다)
Moreover, sports can give the wrong message about life. One important reason is that a variety of sports especially, sport games such as baseball and soccer require a sense of competition skills and emphasize the importnace of winning only. For example, sports programs on TV focus on the glamor of winner and not on loser. Also, most of th viewers are enthusiastic about winner only. There are no concerns about loser’s efforts. In this regard, it is evident that sport’s meaning which congratulate winner and encourage loser is gradually fade.(뭔말인지 잘 이해가 안가는 부분입니다.)
-wrong message에 초점을 맞추어서 사람들이 게임을할때 남을 별로 배려하지 않고 지만 이길려고 막 이기적으로 행동했다. 이런 예시를 넣어보는것은 어떨가용
In conclusion, there is no doubt that playing sports is helpless and impede our life.
The reason why I think like this is because not only sports are waste of time and energy, but it also gives the wrong message about life. For those reasons, I disagree with the idea that sports can teach us valuable lessons about life.
전체적으로 포인트를 잘잡으셔서 잘쓰신거 같으나 예시부분에서 좀부족하니 보충을해보세용~!