Unlike almost all elementary scools are co-education, many middle and high schools
just accepts eiher boys or girls.
(->빨간색으로 칠해진 almost all 와 many가 유사한 뜻이기 때문에 문장을 해석하면 무슨말인지 모르게 됩니다. 제 생각에는 이렇게 고치는게 좋을것 같아요 : Elementary schools are co-educational, whereas most middle schools and high schools separate boys and girls into two different schools.어때요? 더 깔끔해지고 알아듣기 쉽게 바뀌지 않았나요? )
There have been alwayshas always been debates, especially among students, about the adequacy of this kind of system. (보통 문장 앞에서 And는 안 쓰는게 좋아요 ^^ ->) And some people even argue the abolition of the system. In my opinion, children should be separately educated according to their sexes, for it helps students to fully focus on their studies and prevents subtle problems that arise as a result of physical differences between girls and boys.
-> 서론 부분에서 님이 급하게 쓰시다 보니까 문법적인 오류와 오타가 좀 있네요 ^^;;
그것만 고치면 괜찮을 것 같아요 .
First of all, being educated separately (명확하지가 않네요. 누가 be educated separately 인지 알수가 없어요. boys and girls attending different schools 라고 고치는건 어떨까요? ) can make ambience suited for studying. As students go into their adolescence, they->(During their adolecence, students) become much more interested in the opposite sex. Spending time together for a long time, good emotion naturally begins to emerge between a boy and a girl. It is not hard to see couples in schools, therefore. Even though having a freind that gets along with is a good thing, students are less likely to take reseponsibility of their lives as students.They may expend too much time
hanging out ,which hampers them to focus on the most important duty of students;study.
Moreover, separate education could prevent subtle problems caused from the difference of the opposite sexes. Teenagers go through a lot of physcal differences. They become very sensitive about these issues. For example, in girls' schools, there are times when students change clothes for phisical education time. Also, they sometimes need to talk about this with same sexes. ->( this가 뜻하는게 무엇인가요? 체육시간때 옷을 갈아입는 것인가요?) But it would be difficult to do these things when there are(->they are around) boys.
In conclusion( in a nutshell ), I agree with the statement that boys and girls should attend separate schools. (주장에 대한 결론을 명확하게 한 문장으로 써주는게 좋아요) Of course, it may limit the opportunities to communicate with other sexes. However, there are definitely
reasons why this kind of system get to be established(본론에서 제시한 두 근거를 써주세요). They need to learn that sometimes it it essential to just stay with same kind of people.
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