▶ Your Answer :
One reason why people work is to make money for living People work to make money to live. There can be different reasons why people work depending on the person. I will explore couple of reasons why I believe people work on the following essay.
To begin with, power or honor can be the reason for working to some people People work in order to gain the reputation. It is hardly possible for these things to be gained alone. Consider power for example, power can be achieved only with existence of other people. If there aren't any people, then there is no power. For instance, think of officers in the army. Officers have power because they have so many men or women underneath them. This goes the same in companies too such as executives or managers. If you don't have an occupation it will be hard to gain power (독립형 에세이에 있어서는 you를 사용하면 안됩니다). Even though gaining honor is quite harder, it is much easier to earn one when having a job or occupation rather than having nothing. For example, if you think of people being honored, you can think of veterans who fought for country, dedicating doctors to society, or researchers who made a breakthrough discovery who all have their own fields of occupation, and did a great job in their work. (일단 이 것을 통하여서 왜 사람들이 일을 하는지에 대하여서 명확하게 설명을 하지 못하는 거 같습니다. 이러한 느낌이 드는데에 있어서는 전체적으로 내용면에 있어서 정리가 덜 되어 있는 거 같습니다)
On top of that, I suppose that people work because they have to make relationships with other people. One characteristic of humans that makes us humans is that we are social animals. Without having a relationship with other people, we just can't live. According to a lecture I have seen recently in TED, the people who lives live longest and happiest are those who make good and firm relationships with others. Many people go to work not just to work. They see other people, they talk to other people, they laugh, share common things between each other, and make close relationships to their colleagues, customers, or students. From my personal experience, I knew a person who had buildings. and he made up living by getting rents from tenants. He did not need to have any periodical schedule or did not need to meet other people. He had time to enjoy his time fully but he was bored and became lonely, and got a depression which deteriorated his health.
In conclusion, there are many reasons why people work, but in my opinion, I think people work for these reasons. First, some people tries to gain honor or power through working. Second, they want to have a relationship with others which is crucial to living a good life.
Fair: 17~23 점수: 21 지금 이 에세이는 각 단락에 있어서 설명이 많이 부족한 거 같습니다. 일단 첫 번째 단락을 보았을 때 내용면에 있어서 정리가 덜 되어 있다라는 느낌이 듭니다. 왜 이러한 이유가 사람들로 하여금 일을 해야하는지에 대한 설득력이 부족한거 같습니다. 특히 you가 너무 자주 등장합니다. 독립형 에세이에 있어서 you는 사용하면 안됩니다. 이 부분을 명심하시길 바랍니다. 첫 번째나 두 번째 단락 모두다 일을 왜 해야하는지에 대한 근본적인 설명을 서포트 해주지는 못하는 거 같습니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |