Throughout history and the world, education is considered very important. In a way to enhance educational quality, it's often argued that teacher's income should be raised. Some might think money is not the main issue in education. However, I strongly believe that students in a country can benefit from higher quality of education by increasing teacher's salary. This is because teachers could feel more responsible for their educational roles. Furthermore, they are more likely to focus on teaching tasks under financially stable circumstance.
-> 전개가 부드럽고 좋습니다. 큰 오류 없이 잘 쓰셨네요. 다만 두가지 논거가 비슷해보입니다.
salary가 늚으로써 quality가 늘어나는것과 salary가 늚으로써 선생님들이 일에 집중하게 되는것과
어떤 차이가 있을지 구분을 잘 해주셔야 할 것 같습니다.
Some people think this~ However I strongly believe that~ 형태의 틀을 탈피해보시는 것도 좋은 방법입니다.
To begin with, teachers can take responsibility through high pay-> be more responsible if they're payed well. They make an effort to be more professional and devoted to education.-> 이것보다는 돈과 인간의 심리와의 관계를 서술해주는 것이 더 자연스럽게 이어나가는 방법입니다. For example, when I attended private elementary school, most of teachers in there were highly paid. Teachers were so professional and experienced that they truly care-> cared about students both materially and morally. Moreover, students benefited diverse extra-curricular activities led by teachers, such as sports camp, musical performance and volunteer events. They encouraged us to broaden experience and knowledge to become well-rounded. These show that high-paid teachers tend to be more responsible and devote themselves to improving quality of education.
-> 앞서 말씀드렸듯이, pay가 높으면 어떻게 해서 책임감이라는심리를 자극하게 되는지 논하시고, 그에 부합하는 예시를 제시하는것이 더 적절해보입니다. 여기서는 내용이 professional and experienced teachers provide good quality education 이라고 봐도 될정도로 잘못된 방향으로 흐르고 있습니다.
In addition, teachers are able to focus on their job without worry about money. If they are not fully rewarded, they might pour less energy on their occupation. Let me take a friend of mine who landed a job at a high school as an example. He was a temporary teacher, paid less than average. He went through financial hardship due to insufficient wage. In order to earn extra money, he worked as a private tutor after school even though it was illegal. Naturally, he had a few chance to care about students in his class. He sometimes neglected student’s questions or suggestions. Consequently, it had a negative effect on education. These demonstrate how deeply salary affects quality of education.
-> 역시 마찬가지로 앞서 말씀드렸듯이 body1과 차이를 잘 모르겠습니다.
To conclude, we can expect higher quality of education from teachers by increasing teacher’s wage. Most of all, high-paying position can make teachers more responsible and professional. They are more likely to pour their time and energy improving quality of education. Moreover, teachers can concentrate on their occupation, escaping from financial hardship. |