Some people say
that people should spend their money on traveling rather than saving for
the future.
However, in my opinion, I oppose to
the idea because of for some
reasons.(I가 들어가기 때문에 내 생각이라는 것이 벌써 나타나져있기때문에 in my opinion은 필요없다고 봐요.) (My support stems from the
fact that we can use the saving money for the urgent situations and
retirement.) I think
we should save money for urgent situations and retirement.
마지막 문장에 My support stems from the fact that -->이거는 그냥 한 단어로 압축하실수 있을거 같아서 I think로 바꿧습니다. 에세이를 쓸 때는 간결하고 명료하게 쓰는게 가장 중요하다고 선생님이 그러셨거든요^^; 좀 어색한 문장 같아서...
First of all, we should save spend money
saving
for the future because we can spend it when the urgent
situation comes.동사가 빠졌더라구요.두번째 문장은 좀 어색한거 같아요. As everyone knows,
people don’t think for the future, even a few minutes
ahead. doesn't expect to their
life even few minutes in the future, so we should save
money for unexpected and urgent situations though it is exciting to spend
money on traveling. For example, in my case,
I have saved money for a few years. Suddenly, I had have
to pay a paid numerous large amount
of money for to hospital billsfee, because
I had a fatal stomache that have to take a surgeryneeded
surgery . If I didn't save money, I wouldn’t have been able
to take the surgery and survive at now, so saving the money is
essential in one’s lifeto live a society.
Moreover, We should
prepare for retirement. All people grow old, and they
will retire. It means, they can't earn money on their own while they have to spend money for a livingeven
though they spend more money during lifetime, but,
if old man has saved money when he was young, he can
enjoy his life(without being concerned about financial problems)
time. According
to Korean newspaper polls,
Group of the people who work at a company but spend money easily are very nervous their retirement time, because they don't have any saving money at all, and also they can't handle the crisis.
(Many people who haven't saved money are worried (or
nervous) about their retirement because they will soon face financial problems once they retire. 이라고 바꿔봤는데...)
On the other hand, the
other group of the people who work but saving money
aren't impatient. On the other hand, people who work and save money feel impatient. (impatient하지 않다는 얘긴가요? 참을성이 없다??? 이 문장은 잘 이해가 안가네요..) To sum up, saving money has a
lot of benefits. we can prepare for urgent situations and retirement. In
this regards, I absolutely disagree that people should spend money on
traveling rather than saving for the future.