Many students don`t have enough time to keep maintain their health because they are usually too busy to get exercise. If they can enjoy sports activities in universities, it will benefit for (it will be beneficial for~) many busy students who want to improve their health. I strongly agree with following statement that universities should invest their money to sports activities (the same amount 를 적어주셔야죠^^ invest of not 에 대한 얘기가 아니라, 같은 amount 를 invest 해야하는가?에 대한 문제입니다!) because they (universities) can keep their students` health (keep health? maintain their health!!) and make good reputation. (reputation among~ 너무 자세하게는 아니지만, 대충 파악할수 있도록 좀만 더 자세하게 써주세요^^)
(formal essay 에서는 don't, didn't, isn't, cannot, 등을 쓰지 않습니다. 소유격이나 지명같이 꼭 필요한 경우가 아니라면 apostrophe 쓰지 말아주세요~^^ 모두 do not, cannot, did not, is not 으로 바꿔주세요!)
To begin with, if universities encourage students to do sports activities, (university 가 libraries 에 invest 하는 만큼의 돈을 sports 에 투자한다면 입니다..!! 투자한다면 그에대한 결과로 students 가 encouraged 될수 있는것이죠!) students can improve their health. (In other words, they can be stronger grow up their strength and also strengthen stamina through by exercising.) (앞 문장에 improve health 에 대한 예로 strengthen~ 한다고 쓰거나, 아니면 improve health 대신 be stronger 하고, strengthen~ 을 써주는것이 좋을것같네요^^. improving health 와 뒤의 두 benefit 은 같은 의미이니 그냥 한번에 다 써주시는게 더 좋을것같아요.) According to a recent survey conducted by a well-known research firm in the New York City (순서를 바꿨습니다^^) in America, 80 percents of universities university students thought think that universities should spend more money to flourish students' sports activities. One of the respondents said that he truly wants to work out, but there are no gym or sports centre around his house. (우리지역에 gym 을 더 build 해야하는가 에 대한 주장이 아니기 때문에 around his house 가 아니라 "university 에" 로 적어주시는게 좋을것같습니다^^ He also said that not only he wants to work out, but also many students expect to their universities to build gym (in the building), in schools so that they can play basketball or other sports activities. If universities invest their money on ~ to encourage the sports activities, this will be the best presents for many students to keep their health. (maintain the students' ~)
(처음부터 끝까지 쭉 encourage students to exercise ~ 이것을 반복하셨지만, 구체적인 내용이 부족한것 같아요. 그냥 work out 하고싶은데 gym 이 없다.. 는 예제는 이 주장에 잘 어울리지 않는것 같아요!!
써보니 막연한 주장의 반복 처럼 들릴때는 library 에만 invest 했을때 안좋은 점도 같이 써주면 좋아요^^.
학생들의 건강도 건강이지만, <<콘도미니움에 살지 않거나, 집 주변에 gym 이 없는 학생들은 돈까지 내면서 자기 건강을 챙기러 다녀야한다.>> 따라서 money 와 time 을 소비하는것도 additional explanation으로 써주셨으면 좋겠어요^^ 예제는 아무래도 내가 대학 다닐때 우리학교는 library 나 lab 에만 높은 budget 잡고 gym 은 weight room 조차 없어서 나는 운동하러 매일 나가야했다. 근데 내 친구네 학교는 ~ 해서 그 친구가 시간도 절약하고 돈도 절약하고~... 이런식으로 obvious 하긴 해도 주장과 맞고 직접적인 예제를 써주시는게 더 좋아요^^.)
In addition, if universities sponsor to their (the universities' activities?!!) sports activities teams (activities, gym, 아니면 스포츠 장비에 대한 investment 입니다..!! sports team 을 후원한다는것과는 좀 틀린것같구요..!) such as basketball team or football team, they can earn good reputation (학교가 공부뿐만 아니라 학생들의 건강도 care 한다는 점에서 reputation 을 얻을수 있다.) if teams do their jobs really well in a big game. ( """좋은 gym과 스포츠 장비, 그리고 activities 에 invest 함으로써 team 이 더 strong 해질수 있다.""" 는 설명을 앞에 먼저 해주세요..!!! 갑자기 teams do well ~ 하면 sports team 을 더 후원해주어야 하는가 에 대한 주장 같으니까요!^^) One good example could be a university named Pilphone.(University named~ 보다는 그냥 Pliphone U 를 적어주시는게 나아요^^) Pliphone University (campus size 라고 mention해주세요~!) was (이제는 없는 학교인가요..? 아니라면 is!!) relatively small university as compare to compared to other universities university around it. In order to increase their reputation, the university decided to sponsor their basketball team. activities..!! They built up special training centre (맞아요!! training room 같은것이 investment !!!) for basketball team, and they also hired well-known professional coaching staffs. Basketball players started to practice play hard in order to repay for university`s favor. Eventually, the basketball team earned gold medal in universities basketball cups,(명칭, 따라서 앞 글자 대문자^^) so , and the university became one of the most popular (highly regarded)universities in Japan. As you see, encouraging sports can directly increasing increase university`s reputation.
To sum up, I truly believe that universities should encourage not only their libraries, but also sports activities. (문제와 틀리죠...!!! invest the same amount of money on students' sports activities as ~ 죠!!) If they spend money to sports, they will have advantages for that for sure.
(formal essay 에서 결론과 서론 모두 글쓴이의 주장 + 그에대한 이유 1, 2를 모두 간단하게 적어주셔야 합니다! 꼭 기억하세요~!) |