It is often said that the government should invest a ton of money in arts. This is because if they will spend their money in on arts, it would improve the quality of life and strengthen the public's mental health. (..?! arts 에 invest money 하면.. improve quality of life?!) However, because since the money spent at on the athletics can maintain and improve public health in a nation and will help a country countries can make their image better good, government should spend more spend their money on athletics than public arts.
To begin with, the money spent on athletics can maintain and enhance the public's health in a country. This is because, the money will spend on building sports facilities can be improved, and improving service and people will can have an easier access to these facilities (and eventually can maintain their fitness.) (facilities 가 improved 되면, easier access, 따라서 improve health !! 따라서!! 를 꼭 써주세요^^. 그냥 and, and, 하면 계속 나열하는것으로밖에 안보이니까!^^) For example, there are survey investigated a recent survey has shown that ever since building a free gym was built in my neighborhood in 2007, the number of exercising people people work out has doubled. have went up two times. For before, Before, not a lot of people not exercising exercised because of unaffordable fees/costs for gym. high spend went free gym, and this was the rise's cause. (fee 가 unaffordable 했다는 문장과 바로 앞 문장 "new gym 이 지어졌는데, for free 이다." 문장의 순서를 바꾸는것이 좋을것 같네요^^. however, 로 묶어서^^)
(improve health에 대한 설명이 부족한것 같네요^^.. gym 에서 운동하는 사람들이 doubled 됐다는 것은 health 가 improve 되는것에 대한 설명으로 충분하지 않습니다!.. 그 전에 facilities 가 더 좋아진다는 것과, fee 가 없으니 자유롭게 다닐수있다는 것은 additional 한 설명으로는 좋지만, main idea 가 되면 안된다는 것은 아시죠~^^?
제 생각에는.. 자기 경험을 적는것이 좋을것 같아요^^
facilities 가 많이 없고, 온통 artistic 한것만 improved 되어있던 내 community에, 돈이 invested 되어, gym 상태가 좋아졌고, 운동기구 또한 다양해졌기 때문에, 거의 매일 가서 운동을 하는 편이다. insomnia (예를들어.) 도 있었는데 많이 나아졌다.. 이런식으로 좀 구체적으로, ""어떤게 어떻게 안좋았는데, 돈을 투자함으로써 어떻게 바뀌었다"" 라고 써주세요^^)
In addition, government funding will help makes a country's image good. (make better image 하는게 좋을것 같네요^^) The more funding means he more equipments, (이 문장은 필요없는것 같고, the more the government invests on ~, the more~ . 이런식으로 써주세요^^) which means there have more high (more OR higher) chance to victory. (갑자기 victory 라고 하지 마시고, 중간 부분을 모두 써주셔야 합니다^^.) The Korean soccer team ire famous coach (famous, 그리고 qualified) and received train of good quality advanced training for preparation of World Cup in 2002. As a result, Korea plays (경험을 설명하는거니까, 과거형 이겠죠!^^) game very well, and can accomplish good result like semi-final. During World Cup, Korea showed strong organization and enthusiasm not giving up, which surprised the world because the Korea was not well known. is unknown very well. After World Cup, people have positive image after seeing Korean the team spirit.
(이 문단도.. 약간 설명이 부족한것 같네요^^... 월드컵의 예를 든것은 좋지만, famous coach, 그리고 스폰서와 supporters 에 돈을 많이 invest 했다는 부분을 중심으로 자세하게 써주시는게 좋을것같아요^^.
투자 일로 그 당시 conflict 가 잦았었다. ~에 투자하던 % 의 돈을 축구에 투자하려했기 때문에.
이런식으로 주장을 support 하기 위해서 넣는 additional 설명은 최대한 사실적으로(^^;) 써주셔야해요~
그래야 convinced 될수가 있죠~! 그리고 우승에 관한 이야기는 덜 써주셔도 괜찮아요~^^..
결론적으로, arts 에 더 많은 돈을 투자하며 sports 에 무관심 했었다면 worldcup 에서의 좋은 실적은 없었을지도 모른다. 이런식으로..^^ bold는 문법실수, 스펠링 실수인데 이런 작은 실수들 주의하세요!)
In conclusion, the government funding should invest in on athletics for promoting athleticism in a country. to promote ~ across/throughout the country. This is because the money spent at athletics will enrich public's fitness health and helps making a nation have better image internationally. (provide the better image라고 적는게 좋을것 같네요^^) (I do not say athletics is more important than arts. What I really to say is that exercise is important as arts and athletics has value of investment.)
(마지막 문장은 꼭 필요하지 않은 문장같아요^^) |