Professional sports stars deserve to get high salary.
A/D
Some people insist that professional sports stars deserve to get high salary. On the other hand, the others claim that professional sports stars not deserve do not deserve 입니다^^ to get high salary. As far as I am concerned, I present a contention favoring the former statement and refuting the latter one for following reasons.
(the following reasons 를 state 해주셔야죠^^. 그리고, I present a contention ~은 그냥 I strongly believe that~ 하고 그 뒤에 간단하게 자기 주장을 쓰면 됩니다^^ 꼭 "former 의견에 동의하며, 뒷 의견에 반대한다." 라고 쓰지 않으셔도 괜찮아요. 밑줄그은 부분은 문장 자체의 형식과 구조가 앞 문장과 같으며, 문단 안에서도 크게 필요하지 않은 부분이라서 지우는게 좋을것 같습니다. bold 부분은 문법 실수인데요, sports stars not deserve 가 아니라 do not ~ 이 와야 합니다.
"A보다 B가 좋다." "B보다 A가 더 싫다." 처럼 똑같은 의미를 가지는, 표현 방법만 달라지는 문장은 안써주셔도 됩니다^^)
First of all, professional sports stars derseve to get high salary because sports stars can give people hope. (본론의 첫 문장은 주장만 간단히 써주세요.) When one a country's atmosphere is bad (??) because of bad economy rate or serious public problems, people will be happy if there is sports hero. (country 가 going through hard time 이라고 표현하는것이 더 좋을것 같습니다.) A recent survey shows that cheering sports players national/professional athletes can make people releave their stress affaris. For instance, during 2002 world cup in Korea and Japan, many people were happy becuase all Korean players struggled to win and finally they won semi-final. Many Koreans were got were impressed because the result of the world cup was about the amazing result/outcome to people. Finally, alomost all players got praised the athletes even more the player thought themsleves. The over praises (over praises?) was suited for the players (WHAT was well suited for them?) because they gave an amazing event to Korean people. (Korea)
(문법 오류가 많아서 중간중간 해석이 안되는 부분 또한 많습니다.^^
표현 또한 너무 한글 같아요, 한글로 표현하고 그 뒤에 영어로 번역한것 처럼 어색한 문장이 많은것 같습니다.
문법 많이 보셔야 할것같아요^^. hope 을 준다는 것이 주장인데, amazing 한 결과를 국민에게 가져다줬다. 라는것 밖에는 주장이 없는것 같네요.. hope 을 준다는 것에 초점을 맞춰주셨으면 좋겠어요. 월드컵으로 인해 어떤식으로 사람들에게 희망을 주었는지?!)
Furthermore, professional sports stars deserve to get high salary becaused (같은 문장/주장의 반복은 없어도 괜찮습니다^^) people can relieve their stress by watching ~. release their stress. In morden society, people are suffered suffer from many stress. (쉽게 pressure을 받는다는것도 괜찮을것 같네요^^) People have a lot of work and assignment (work 는 s가 없지만, assignment 는 붙습니다^^) in their work. A The recent study shows that watching sports games and cheering for a team which people like the most has have postive effects in both physical or mental health. problems. When people watch sports game, they get interested and pleasant endorphine (from brain.) These postive effevtives effects are good for busy, stressful morden people to release relieve their stress. So the sports star has stars are important to people. great meaning to people. For example, Kim Yunah, (콤마 뒤에 the most famous~ 로 해주는게 좋을것 같습니다^^) who is the (world's) most famous figure skater in Korea earn much money. Kim Yuna is deserve (deserves to~ 입니다.) to get high salary, (콤마!!) becuase many people can be happy when they watch ~. of her play. Actually, she won a lot of international match. Even more, she got gold medal from olympic game.
(relieve stress 한다고는 했지만.. 그냥 statement 일 뿐이지, 사실 충분한 설명이 없는것 같네요..!!
어떻게 경기를 보면서 pressure 을 relieve 할수있는지!
우리에게 laughter 을 주면서 그것이 ""어떤식으로"" 스트레스를 풀도록 도와주는지?! 모두 설명해주셔야해요^^~
그리고, 예제의 마지막 부분 - 제가 취소줄 그은 부분!! 은 김연아 선수의 실적? 이기 때문에, 주장에 대한 설명이나 예제에는 크게 필요하지 않을것 같아요^^)
The above stated reasons have let me to conclude that professional sports stars deserve to get high salary becuase sports stars can make people happy and they make people's stress away.