Which is better for children? Some people think that children should spend most of their time on school studies. In contrast, others say that it is not very necessary for children to spend their time on school studies. However, after some reflection, I think that it is much better for children not to spend most of their time on school studies. This is mainly due to the fact that even though the school studies are important for them, it is not an essential part of their life in their future. Moreover, parents are responsible for finding their aptitudes and developing the abilities.
* 여기서 their 이라고 쓰면 parents 로 해석할 가능성이 있습니다. 왜냐면 주어로 쓰인 것이 parents 이니까요. 따라서 children 이나 daughters and sons 등등 으로 정확하게 표현해주면 더 좋겠습니다.
First of all, (in my opinion), I completely disagree with the given statement. This is because that the school studies do not play a significant role in making a genuine person. I believe that it is very important to build a good personality. In this sense, childhood is a definitely critical period of development one's (of) personality. Even if children who systematically receive an official formal education can greatly perform the good academic skills, they might not build (be lack of building) a good characteristics. Therefore, if children only spend most of their time on studies, they could miss such a important period which they cannot experience after childhood.
In addition, I believe that parents should help them to discover their aptitudes and develop the abilities. In other words, not everyone has an aptitude for school studies. For instance, some children might have a talent for music, while others (some children) might be good at sports. Therefore, it is much more important that parents should try to discover what children (they) prefer and which area they are interested in. Thus, if parents realize their potential ability and give them an opportunity to develop that, 1. it would be a great advantage for them in the future.
1. It would be a great advantage for them to know and use their ability in the future. 그리고 글 처음부터 in the future 에 도움이 된다고만 쓰셨는데 한번쯤은 어떻게 좋은지 써주시면 더 구체적이고 좋은 글이 될 것 같습니다.
1. 어떤 아이들은, 반면 어떤아이들은 : 이 표현쓸때 도입부에 쓴 some~ , other~ 은 상방되는 의미인거 같아서
some~, some~ 썻는데.. 어떤지요..
다시한번 문법위주로 봐주셨으면 좋겠습니다.
감사합니다..