▶ Your Answer :
There is an argument concerning whether children should grow up in the country side or in a big city. Although it is true that Children can learn more information in the big city, I believe that Living in a country side is more helpful for children. In this essay I will present briefly two reasons to support my idea.
Most of all, living in the country side is good for health. a good example can be found in the situation in which the environment is much better than urban’s environment. ( 일반 서술형으로는 표현이 약간 어색하네요. 좀더 간단하고 이해하기 쉽게 고칠 수 있도록 노력해보세요.) therefore, children can live in the clean atmospheres. These atmospheres include clean air, transparent water and good earth. What is more is that They children can exercise naturally. Personally, when I was young, I lived with my grandmother. At that time the house was is located in countryside. so Because of this, I could run in the all of the town freely. This makes my health stronger than that before. (여기서 도시의 경험도 주면서 도시에선 자유롭게 돌아다니지 못햇다는 점을 언급해주면서 강조해주시면 좋겠네요.) Hence, children can grow up healthier in the countryside.
Another reason for my idea is that children can be educated, which urban area can’t give. To exemplify this, children can learn nature of the world. Generally, children can learn a lot from living with the nature. agriculture. For example, they can have small farm by themselves with the parents’ help and give the fertilizer to their farm. As a result, They can learn how important the nature is. In similar manner, they can learn how to live together. It is hard to learn community in urban area. (여기서 urban area에서는 배우지 못하는 이유를 말해주면 좋겠네요) in contrast to the urban area, helping each other is very common situation in countryside. Therefore, it is possible to teach children many of lesson
In summary, I agree with the statement that It is better for children to grow up in the countryside than in a big city, on account of the reasons that I mentioned above: not only does the life in countryside is good for health, but it also will provide alive education.
Comment: 여러가지 supporting 아이디어를 넣어주면 좋겠네요. 위에서 제가 언급해드렸던 점들을 참고해주시고.... 그러면 정말 괜찮은 에쎄이가 될것같습니다. 본론에서 여러가지 약한점들이있었네요 ㅠㅠ.. 신중히 더 잘쓰려고 해보세요~~ |