Some people may argue that studying art and music in secondary school is necessary for students because it provides broad perspectives and artistic values to them. Nevertheless, I firmly argue that not all students have to study art and music in high school. This is because students who dislike those classes may waste their time. (In addition, art and music are not enough to relate their real life.)---> art and music do not usually intervene our real life.
When it comes to whether studying art and music is beneficial, some claim these subjects are necessary for student's well-rounded education. However, I'd like to cast a doubt on the validity of their opinions and believe there is actually no need for every student to participate in art and music studies. -- Intro. is very important to writie clearly. What I just did is a sample jotting you may have a look at and compare with yours.^^
To begin with, taking a course in art or music is dispensable class to for students who do not are interested in art and music. This is because students who prepare for an entrance examination with no need for artistic testingexcept to art and music major waste their limited time due to attending music or art class. They want to concentrate on the classes which are is imperative to their entrance examination. For instance, when I was a high school student, I had dissatisfaction with obligation to attend art class. (I am not quite convinced of the obligation to attend art class) Studing Math and language alone, for me, takes up a lot of time)o study mathematics and language, I had little time. For this reason, it was natural for me not to concentrate on the art class. I ended up having a valuable time wasted with nothing gained. (Therefore, I could not concentrate on the art class and I did not remember what a teacher says. Finally, there were not left knowledge to me.) As a result, art and music class must therefore be required only students who want to participate in those classes.
Furthermore, students do not relate in art and music in their real lives directly, exception the person who major in that. --> Furthermore, students do not find art and music practical in their real live unlike those who major in them.That is, these are useless classes to for students who have no interest in art and music and do not consider these essential for their future lives. who dislike them for their future. As a result, (As a result는 어떤 실험 결과 뭐 사건의 결과에 쓰이는 어구 입니다. 여기서는 Consequently 혹은 therefore라고 해주세요^^)high school should give a chance to for all students to decide on whether they attend art and music class. (In my case, I never took advantage of knowledge or skill which I had learned in secondary school when I entered university.) -- 괄호 안의 부분은 어색한데요... 근데 위에서 제가 보여드렸던 거와 같이
학술적으로 써 주셔야 점수가 잘 나옵니다.. 토플은 미쿡 대학에서 공부를 얼마나 잘 할 수 있나 검정하는 시험이기 때문에 학술적인 면도 잘 염두하시공 써주세요^^Because my major is French, I merely focus on study French literal and language. If a student participates in quiz show on television later, he or she would avail bring up knowledge of music or art. Except in this case, usefulness of art and music that were was learned in high school is rare to most of students.
In a nutshell, if students do not want to take art and music class, high school should not give compulsory requirement to students.----> 고치기가 모호해서 아예 바꿔보겠습니다. considering there are students wanting not to take part in art and music class, school administration does not have rights to make these courses mandatory I allegedly argue that art and music course should be selective subjects in high school.
안녕하세요^^ 민돌이예요...
첨삭을 해보았는데요... 흠... 어색한 표현들이 좀 많이 있는 듯하네요....
다는 바꾸지는 못햇습니다. 님의 글 의도에 어긋날 것 같아서 말예요...
그런데, 위에서 말씀 드렸던거와 같이 토플 라이팅은 약간 학술적이면 좋습니다.
표현이라던지 내용이라던지 고급스러워야 점수가 잘 나오더라고요...
따라서 님의 지금과 같은 평서문 스타일의 문장은 점수가 잘 나오지 않습니다. 유의하시고요
글을 처음 시작하셨다면.... 급하지 않으시다면 intro 연습하세요.. intro가 고급스러우면 먹고 들어 갑니다.. 경험상... 여기 글 올리실 때 intro 5분 잡고 연습하세요.. 그다음에는 body 그리고 conclusion 단계별로 나눠서 학습하시는게 학습을 극대화 시킨답니당~~~
문법 공부를 더 하셔야 하겟구욤...
수고하셧어요^^ |