There is an ongoing debate over whether nowadays people's lives (people's life nowdays) is easier and rmoe convenient that our (that of our) grandparents' generation. Some people might say that we need to learn a lot (그냥 막연하게 learn a lot? 그냥 삶에 대한 expectation 이 high 라고 표현하는것은 어떤가요^^) since we live in advanced information-society. However, I think that today's life is much easier. This is because we can acquire information about all around the world at one time. (insant ""즉각적인?"" information update 가 가능하기 때문에. 라고 적어주시는게 좋을것같아요^^ at one time 보다는..) Moreover, development of food industry help people save time to prepare foodcooking.
To begin with, up-to-date information's technology enable people to easily find out all information at ease. This is mainly because due to the fact that a computer has been invented and developed. (따로따로 쓰는것 보다는, 아예 앞 문장에 since the development of computer ~ (development 이후로) people can easily find ~ 이렇게 표현하는것이 좋을것같아요!) In the past, lack of computer supply would be (in the past 인데요?) much more inconvenient, (콤마 써주세요!) because people could not search for any information whenever and wherever they want. (regardless of ~ ) To illustate, my friend went abroad to study, but I still talk to her and know his situation due to advanced computer. (know situation.. 이라고 표현하지 않습니다!) Also, I can find out what's happening around the world, (such as the weather of American, the volcano of Africa, and the soccer game of England.) In this regard, However, in the past, if people want to all kind of information when people had to know about long distant distant areas, they had to actually/physically visit. to go there in person. It was quire arduous. In this sense, I think that since state-of-the-art technology of information provided/allowed an easier access to information, made assess to information easier, people's lives are easier.
(주장이 이리저리 흩어져있달까.. 설명이 길긴 한데, 주 요점을 정확히 모르겠습니다..!
서로 instantly 메세지를 주고받을수 있는것에 대해서 설명하시려면, 거기에 대해서 쭉 길게 설명해주셨으면 해요..! what's happening around the world 알수있는것 말고, 의견을 주고받으려면 직접 가야했고, 전화가 없는 집은 연락도 많이 힘들었다..이런식으로. ""한 의견이나 주장" 에 대해서 예전과 지금이 어떤지? 결과적으로 어떤식으로 현재가 편한지?
그리고 bold 부분이 전보다 좀 많아졌죠~!^^ 문법 실수와 스펠링 실수!! 주의하세요!)
In addition, development of food technology (food tech,.? technology 의 발전으로 묶고 그 뒤에 설명하는것이 좋을것같아요^^) made people's lives easier. These days, although people have live too busy lives to set aside hours to prepare foods, (that they cannot even spare time for/to ~) they can get a great opportunity to solve the problem. the frozen-food enables people to maintain their physical health. However, (앞문장이 짧으니까 콤마 쓰고 합쳐주시는게 좋을것같아요!) just a few years ago, people had no option owing to lact of food management. According to the Ministry of Health and Welfare of Korea in 2009, more than 60% sixty percent (짧은것은 그냥 글로 표현해주세요!) of the workers responded that they could were able to spare more time on working, studying, and playing sports than fifteen years ago. The research pointed that in the past it is impossible to have the time since they have to cook, spending a lot of time. In this regard, advanced food-industry provides people with valuable time to do other things.
(문법 실수 주의하시구요. 과거 설명에서 자꾸 현재형 동사를 쓰셨네요!! 몇몇 표현이 어색하고 주장과 어울리지 않습니다. 과거에는 store 할수 없었는데 지금은 어떤 food 도 keep fresh 할수 있어서 낭비 또한 적다. 이런 설명은 어떠신가요?^^)
In brief, I firmly believe that people are happier and cozier (언제? now or in the past? 정확히 적어주셔야죠!) than when our grandparents are young. This is because, Not only do (does the ~) information technology help people become comvenient lives, but food industry also make people's lives easier. |