In this age of globalization, a number of people have become more interested in traveling around the world (OR travelling abroad) to know about different cultures. to know different of countries around the world. I, however, convinced (I AM convinced! be 동사 있어야죠) that indirect methods such as newspapers and magazines are more practical and effective way to know about foreign countries. The rationel behind this is limitation of money and time and plenty of knowledge of source by reading material.
(마지막 문장에서 밑줄그은 부분을 따로 쓰는게 좋을것같아요^^. limitation of money and time to do WHAT? to travel around ? specify 해주시구요, 두번째 문장도 자세하게 써주셔야해요! 문장을 둘로 나누거나 콤마로 이어서 reading materials provide~ 이렇게 구조/순서를 바꾸는게 좋을것 같네요^^.
bold 는 스펠링 실수입니다. 주의해주세요!)
First of all, most people cannot afford to travel around many countries because of their limitation of time and money. (같은 문장을 두번씩 쓰는것 보다는, "due to limitation on both time and money, ~" 아니면 "there is limitation ~" 로 짧게 써주세요^^. They usually spend majority of (their) time working and doing chores. to work and take care millions of households. Due to these hectic lifestyles, it is quite difficult to leave their work to go to somewhere where they covet for long time without worries to make earn (두개 다 쓰면 말이 안되죠^^. to earn 이 맞겠네요^^) money. According to a research, one of the famous newspaper (one of the~ 복수죠. newspapers) in Korea, observed that office workers on average travel to oversee (travel abroad) only one time in their lifetime as their own vacation. As this survey illustarates, traveling to vatious around countries to satisfy their curiosity might may not be practical and adeqeat way to for people.
(learn better through books 하는 이유가 직접 다닐 시간, 돈이 없다. 라는건데, 예제를 .. vague 하고 ineffective 하게 study 나 서베이 결과로 쓰지 말고 "자기 경험" 이나 "사례" 로 들었으면 좋겠어요^^
예를들어, 내가 일하느라 vacation을 한동안 못가졌었는데, 그 대신 매거진에서 내가 꼭 가서 관찰? 하고싶었던 <<어떤곳>> 에 대해서 아주 자세하게 나와있었다. 사진도 보고 글도 읽음으로써 그 나라에 대해서 아주 잘 알게되었고.... 이렇게 직접적인 예제를 들어서 독자를 convince 해주세요.
bold 한 부분은 스펠링 실수입니다. 문법, 스펠링 모두 주의하셔야해요.)
Futhermore, most people have been obtaining various types of sources from newspaper and magazines. (This materials (this 는 단수입니다.^^) have merits which people can get what they want to know (which 는 merit 을 받습니다. 이미 which people can get 이라고 merit 을 설명하셨는데, 뒤에 what they want to know 라고 불필요하게 더하셨네요.^^ 문법상 말이 되지 않을 뿐더러, 문장의 이해를 방해하니 빼주세요!) at the better much of quantity at the same time. In this way, people are able to accumulate information and get the an in-depth knowledge from these material. (this 와 these 를 구분해주세요.) For example, when I had to write a report on the lives of Antarctic people, I could not help reling on the materials dependently. (스펠링, 문법 다시 보셔야겠어요~! could not rely on the materials) But, as a result, through these way, I became got to know about how to they spend pastime, (how do they ~) what they admire their customs, (어색하고 말이 안되죠..! what (do) they admire 로 끝나야죠.) and how they became to live there. (and what led them to live here) With these this abundent research, I completed my assignments and got to good scores. (got good scores) If I had not used these means, I could not probabally have been able to obtain obtained this valuable knowledge.
(bold 부분은 모두 스펠링 실수, 문법 오류인데요. 이런 실수가 많으신것 같아요. 그리고, 문장 안에서도 문장의 이해를 방해하는 불필요한 표현들도 많고..! 어색한 표현은 모두 바꿔주시고, vague 하지 않도록 자세한 설명을 꼭 붙여주세요.)
To sum up, newspaper and magazines provide more realistic and efficient way to know foreign countries than to visit directly. I strongly believe that this methods will continuously be used and develop to meet various needs of people. |