it is more advantageous for governments to invest in children education than colleges
I disagree with the statement that it is more beneficial to invest in children child education (보통 child edu. 라고 합니다..^^) than colleges for the following two reasons. (advantageous - beneficial 로 바꾸셨는데, 똑같은 형식과 구조로 쓰지 마시고, 좀 더 바꿔주세요~! 그리고 I strongly think that ~ 으로 바꿔주시는게 낫습니다^^..) Firstly, (it is more an efficient way to spend money to college students because) (주장만 써주셔도 괜찮아요..^^ 불필요하게 문장을 길게 만들지 마시구요~!) college students have an obvious purpose of their learning. (child education 은 no purpose?!) Secondly, developing college (supporting the ~ education) helps to improve cultural activities. (improving the quality of education improves cultural activitie???!!)
(주장은 college edu. 에 더 invest 해야한다. 라는 주장은 괜찮은데, 그에대한 이유가 명확하지 않습니다..
an obvious purpose of learning?!! child education 의 purpose of learning 은 college education 보다 중요하지 않은가요..? college edu. 는 직접적으로 학생들의 미래와 related 되지만, child education 은 약간.. fundamental 한 부분이기 때문에, 중요하다고 생각되지 않을까요..?!! 들었을때 잘 convinced 되는 주장이 좋으니, 표현을 좀만 더 달리해서 써주세요~^^. 두번째 이유도 improve cultural activities ?! 이 부분은 criticize 하기 좀 어려운게, 말 자체의 의미를 잘 모르겠어요.. 좀더 확실하게 써주시는게 좋을것같아요^^!)
Most of all, college students use investments (investing on ~ ) more efficiently, (콤마 넣어주세요!) because they have specific goals. As compared to college students, most young students do not know what interest them. (what interests them.) (그리고 most young students 가 not so sure about their ~ .) They might may not know what to do although they are invested. (maybe... the investment 가 of no use 일지도 모른다. 라고 표현하는것이 좋을것같아요...^^ 그리고 they are invested?!! the government 가 their education 에 invest money 하더라도 ~ 라고 해주세요^^. 사람들이 invested 되는것은 아니니^^) Thus, sometimes they waste precious investments just because their curiosity. (they waste 보다는 they may, 그리고, just because their ~ 이 아니라, of 가 있어야 합니다^^) However, college students exactly know what they have to do and use given investments effectively. Therefore, it is advantageous for governments to spend money to on college education. According to a study recently conducted by the