It is often said that the Internet is one of the best inventions in the 20th century. On the contrary, some believe that it is usually harmful for users, especially for teenagers who are more vulnerable to some be get negative effects. However, in my opinion, the (the use of internet has improved the whole world (?) 주제에 관한 언급해주셔야죠~^^) Internet (has given us a lot of~ and conveniences/comfort) gave us a lot of benefits and made people much more comfortable.
(comfort 또한 benefits 에 포함이 되는데, intro 에서 어떤식으로 differentiate 할지 잘 생각해보셔요!!^^
그리고, intro 를 읽어보면 글 전체가 약간 "인터넷 사용이 우리 생활을 편하게 했는가?" 에 대한 주장인것같아요^^.. 주된 이유는 글쓴이의 주장이 조금 엇나간것 때문입니다..^^ 말의 의도나 표현은 이해가지만, 정확히 "world 가 the better place, with the help of ~" 이런식으로 써주세요^^.)
First and foremost, we can gain a large amount of information and (are able to) communicate with others who is widespreaded (distant 를 좀 써주세요~! who is ~ 이렇게 길게 쓸필요 없이^^) in the whole world. Since all of the users can share opinions and knowledge only with a few clicks, we can easily get what we want through it. Moreover, due to the development of E-mail and videotelephony, it became a lot convenient for us and the government officials to communicate with each other who is far away in different nations. (앞 문장부터 불필요한 문장입니다. 또, 밑줄 친 부분은 문장/표현의 반복이니 주의하세요~~) For example, there was a uncle of me who my uncle works in Argentina (될수있으면 "어떤" 일인지도 짧게 써주세요~^^) which is really far from my home country for the personal reasons. He had two young daughters who still need my uncle's help 27/7 (twenty-four-seven) the help of father and miss my uncle very much. Fortunately, he could can see and talk to my cousins anytime he wants, thanks to the technology of videotelephony installed both in his workplace and my cousins' house. Therefore, it is certain that the world have had a tremendous development according to the invention has become the better place, with the use of Internet.
(benefits? or benefit? benefits라면 world 가 better place 하도록 만든 factor 를 모두 나열해주세요~
그리고, communication between distant people 한것이 better world 라고 할수있는 이유인가요?^^
communication 을 통해서 또 다른 development 를 bring out 했는지도 써주면 더 좋은 이유가 될것같네요~
또, example은 과거 경험이 아니라, 지금도 일어나는 일 아닌가요?^^ 삼촌이 "works" 한다는것은 요즘도 그곳에서 일하신다는 말인데, 밑에는 he had two ~ 그리고, he could see~ 라고 되어있네요.
예제에 따라서, 동사 형태 주의하세요!!! 아예 과거로 하려면 모두 과거로 바꿔주세요^^)
The second point has a lot to do with our excitement and certain intersting activities we can enjoy through the Internet. (불필요하게 문장을 길게 만들지 마시고, In addition, Internet provides us with entertainment/exciting activities.) There are a large number of (이부분도 many!) video clips uploaded and games made (invented) by programmers on the Internet. Thanks to this, the amount of things we can spend our time effectively have increased in at a higher great rate. It is sure that games and some of the entertainments gave us few side effects like addiction (문장의 importance 를 잘 모르겠어요^^.. 없어도 괜찮은 문장 같은..?) of the young children. Though, most people in this world are using these materials in a good way to enjoy the entertainments well without getting any negative stimulation (negative effects 라고 하는게 좋을것같네요~) from them. Thus, it is an undeniable fact that the web completely changed people's lives more exciting. (world 가 better 하다는 말을 언급해주세요)
(example이 없네요! 예제가 주장과 겹치는 경우는 예제가 relevant 하지 않다는 말입니다..^^.. 예제는 항상 직접적으로 써주세요. 꼭 누구의 경험이 아니어도, 주장을 support 할수있도록 최대한 자세하게 설명해주셔야해요. 그리고, 문장을 불필요하게 길게 늘리고, 반복하는 경향이 있으신데, 꼭 고쳐주셔야해요!!!^^)
Taking all of the above into account, It is often said that the Internet is one of the best inventions in the 20th century. (서론에서 썼던 문장을 불필요하게 반복!!) On the contrary, some believe that it is usually harmful for users, especially for teenagers who are more vulnerable to be get negative effects. However, in my opinion, the Internet gave us a lot of benefits and made people much more comfortable.
(결론은.. 서론같이 긴 도입문이 필요없습니다..^^ 그리고, 서론에서 썼던것처럼 같은 구조로 결론을 쓰셨는데, 결론을 쓰실때는 그냥 간단하게, In conclusion, the use of internet 이 has made the world better 했다. 이에대한 이유는 ~, ~ 때문이다. 이렇게 써주셔도 괜찮아요^^.
그렇다고 결론을 너무 짧게 쓰지는 마시구요. 서론보다 조금 짧아도 괜찮습니다.
그리고 항상 I believe~, I think~ 이렇게 쓰는것도 좋은데, 그냥 주장만 써주셔도 돼요^^. 그게 더 강한 주장 같이 들리고, 독자들 또한 주장에만 concentrate 하게 만드니까요!
원래 formal essay 에서는 아무리 자기 주장이라도 "I" 를 쓰지 않습니다.^^ 내 주장을 더 firm 하게 나타내기 위해서 그냥 this is right or wrong 처럼 할 말만 짧고 강하게 써요!^^ 그런데 토플 에세이에서는 I 의 사용을 크게 상관하지 않는것같습니다. 그러니 I think~, I believe~ 모두 써도 무관하지만, 가끔은 그냥 "the world 가 improved, better 하다, 왜냐하면 ~ 때문에." 이렇게 짧고 간단하게 써주세요^^)
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