In modern society , more people live in big cities than in rural areas (OR population is concentrated more in big cities than~.) there are many people living in big cities than others living in rural territories . Most of the people think that it is more good better for their children to grow in cities than in rural areas. From my point of view, However, I believe that children can get more beneficial and valuable thing by living in rural areas. (OR living in rural area is a lot more beneficial and valuable for children than~.) from living in rural places than in cities. This is because it (rural area) is safer (secure) and provides a fun, healthful and natural environment .
(두번째 이유를 좀 다르게 바꿔주셨으면 좋겠어요! provides healthy env. 를 "children 에게 ( ) 가 좋으니까." 이런식으로 아이들이 그곳에 삶으로써 ( )을 가질 수 있다. 를 강조해서 써주시면 더 좋을것같네요.
그리고 첫 문장에서 there are many people living ~ than ~ 이렇게 쓰셨는데, than 같은 비교급 문장을 쓰려면 are many people~ 보다는 more people 이 맞겠죠^^)
To begin with, rural area makes parents' mind feel secureness.(has less concerns about children's security) they know their neighbors' situations very well because they form strong relationships with each other. So that they can keep their childrens' securities protect their children from any threats and crimes. attacking of many crimes by corperating with people who living in around your home . This is evidenced by (stying-finding) (in 2008) that the number of crimes that took place the crime rate in big cities was more higher much higher than in rural areas. (by 몇 % 로 higher 했는지 적어주면 더 좋습니다.) The result of survey shows how safe living in the rural areas is compared to the cities. that how many accidents exist around your children. We can help our children to grow safely in safety
(문법 - 문장에서 동사 구별 확실히 해주세요~! 비교급 문장에서는 than 뿐만 아니라, 앞 문장 동사형태 또한 바꿔주셔야 합니다. so, because (because of~ 는 괜찮습니다), but, and 등으로 문장을 시작하지 않습니다.
그리고 so that~ 문장은 앞 문장에 콤마 , 로 이어주고 써도 괜찮을것 같네요^^.
예제를 쓸때에는 최대한 specific 하게 써주세요^^. 그리고, crime rate 만으로 rural area와 city 를 비교하기보다는, 다른 예제도 들어주셨으면 좋겠네요~ bold 한 부분중 they 는 대/소문자 구별의 실수입니다.
문장을 시작할때에는 대문자 로 써주세요.
그리고, 마지막 문장 끝에 마침표 안찍으셨던데, 꼭 찍으세요~ 사소한 실수지만 이런것도 눈여겨 본답니다.)
Moreover, the contryside offer a fun , healthful, and natural environmemt to our children. There are many beautiful landscapes and places (provide children with fun and joy that ~ ) (where children can enjoy without any interruption.) Children are also able to stay health .This is because they breathe in with fresh air and drink clean OR pure water (or distilled water OR water with no impurities) given by natural environment while they are growing grow up . In fact, most of the children are free from many illnesses (relatively less children are~ 이라고 써주는게 좋을것같아요^^. children are free~ 라고 하면 "NO children has the following illnesses" 가 되니까요~) such as obesity, diabetes, and depression that are common symptoms among children living in cities (마침표.)
(bold 한 부분은 모두 사소한 문법실수, 스펠링 실수입니다. 주의하세요! the countryside offers, environment, stay healthy 입니다.
body 부분에 example이 없네요!^^ example은 꼭! 필요합니다. 자기 주장을 논리적으로 support 할수 있는 부분이기 때문입니다. 에세이에서 evidence 가 없으면 문단 전체가 모두 막연한 주장이 되어버리기 때문에, 꼭 써주셔야해요~^^ 마침표 꼭 찍어주시구요. 그리고 문장 중간중간에 마침표를 띄어쓰기 하시는데, 이것도 주의해서 쓰세요!^^)
In these respects, i firmly believe that it is more effective way for children to grow up in countrysides than in big cities. (주제가 has more advantages 에 관한 문제이니, living in rural areas has more advantages than~ 이렇게 써주는것도 좋을것같네요^^) The most important things that need for children to For children's growth, having stable grow is right emotion emotional state and sentivility.(??safety?)
The countryside helps children's emotion develop (positive emotional development) possitively (more than the city does) by teaching children them the precious worth of living life in environment
(문법 실수가 조금 있으세요~ 문법 check check!
bold한 부분 중에 I 를 소문자로 바꿔 쓰셨는데, I 는 "항상" 대문자로 써주셔야해요~!)
|