외국인친구가 검토해줘서 문법은 다 깔끔하게 정리해서 올려봅니다^^ 글의흐림, 주장뒷받침등
모든면에서 전체 몇점정도 나올지 평가부탁드릴께요..미친 평가도 언제나 환영입니다^^
Topic: It is more advantageous for children to grow up in rural areas than in big cities. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion
In modern society, there are many people living in big cities than others living in rural territories. Most of the people think that it is better for their children to grow up in cities than rural areas. From my point of view, children can get more benefits and valuable things from living in rural places than in cities. This is because it is safer and provides a fun, healthful, and natural environment.
To begin with, rural area allows the parents to feel secureness. They know their neighbors' situations very well because they form strong relationships with each other. So that they can keep their children secure from any attacks of crime by cooperating with neighbors. This is proven by the fact that the number of crimes that took place in big cities more higher than in rural areas. The results of survey show that many accidents exist around your children. We can help our children to grow in safety.
Moreover, the countryside offer a fun, healthful, and natural environment for our children. There are many beautiful landscapes and places that children can enjoy without any interruption. Children are also able to stay healthy. This is because they breathe fresh air and drink clean water given by natural environment while they are growing up . In fact, most of the children are free from many illnesses such as obesity, diabetes, and depression that are common symptoms among children living in cities
In these respects, I firmly believe that it is more effective way for children to grow up in countryside than in big cities. The most important things that are needed for children to grow are right emotion and sensibility.In this sense, the countryside helps children's emotions develop more positively by teaching them the precious worth of living life in environment.