Do you think why many students have their own part-time jobs? That’s students (work for) part-time jobs not only because they can earn money for themselves but only also because they can have get lots of extra valuable lessons and experiences. I support the statement I strongly believe that students should have a part time job even if they are still students. (it is good/beneficial for students to ~ 라고 적어주세요^^) There are two main reasons supporting my thoughts. By getting a part-time job, This is because, students can build up experiences ~, and are able to think about and discover what they really want to do as a permanent job and also develop their independence.
(불필요한 표현은 없애주세요~^^ 특별한 내용 없이 문장이 너무 길어지면 main idea 를 놓칠수도 있습니다~! 그리고, 도입문은 꼭 의문문으로 안써주셔도 괜찮습니다~^^)
First, getting to get a part-time job and doing various work in society will help students find out (about suitable jobs for their own interest) what kind of jobs is suitable for each students’ personality and flair. Students who have a part-time jobs probably have more experiences about something else in society. (무슨말인지 잘 모르겠어요. 많은 경험이 나중에 사회에서 도움이 될것이다. 라고 말하면 좋을것같네요^^. 이렇게 되면, students ~ will 이 되어야 할것같네요^^) By doing various work,working in various fields (of study), they simultaneously think about whether or not its (its? their? 아닌가요?) work is suitable for them. (계속 suitable 하는것 보다는, interesting 한지? satisfied 됐는지? 쓰는게 좋겠어요~!) This kind of process is necessary for students to know their choicest permanent job in the future. To work Working in society is not only to earn allowance but also to build up their social experiences. These help improve the life quality of student in the as a long run.
Second, to have a job revolutionarily having a job improves the sense of independence of in students. Nowadays, there are a staggering number(s) of immature adults who are dependent on their parents even if they graduate from university. Although there are various causes of the present status quo of the situation, the most significant reason is that students usually never get their own part-time jobs until they graduate from university or graduate university. (대학원은 graduate school 입니다.) From entering into the world to getting a permanent job (getting a permenant job 할때까지 라는 뜻인가요?^^ 그렇다면 just after~ 이부분은 .. 필요없을듯 하네요^^) (그리고, from ~ 을 쓸 필요는 없구요! until students get permenant jobs ~ 이렇게 써주는게 좋을것같네요!) just after graduating university, most of them get their allowance from their parents. I am sure that that process is the biggest reasons (what does the PROCESS take?) why many adults are not independent. To get a part-time job will (to do~ = doing ~ 이지만, 이런 경우에는 보통 '동명사' ing 로 써주는게 좋습니다.^^ 참고하세요~) improve our students’ independence and reduce the number of a little bit of irresponsible adults in society. (responsibility의 importance 를 emphasize 한다고 쓰는게 좋을것같네요^^. number of a little bit of~ 문법상 말이 되지 않습니다.)
(예제를 써주셔야죠! 예제가 없으면 주장이나 설명을 support 할수 없습니다^^ 예제를 쓸 때에는 자기 경험이나 직접적인 사례가 가장 convincing 하기 때문에 좋으니, 이런 사례 들어주세요~ 또, usually, never 은 함께 쓸수 없습니다. usually 와 never 은 뜻도 반대 이구요..^^ 표현하고자 하는 것이 students often get their ~ 인가요 아니면 students never get ~ 인가요? 하나만 써주셔야죠..! 그리고, 결론에서 students 에게 sense of responsibility 를 teach 하고 build 한다고 하는것까지만 써주시는게 좋을것같네요. 뒤에 reduce the number of irresponsible adults? HOW?!
또, 문제의 의도를 잘 파악 하셔야 합니다. still students 라는 뜻을 말그대로 해석하면 '학생일 때' 라는 뜻이 되지만, 정확히 해석하자면 "공부를 하면서 일도 같이 하는것" 을 말합니다.^^ responsibility 를 build 한다는 주장은 좋습니다. 그런데, 그 뒤에 <일을 하면서 쌓아진 sense of responsibility 가 """어떻게""" 공부할때도 도움이 되는지> 에 대해서 말해주셔야죠.! when they are still students!!! 주의하세요^^)
In conclusion, teenagers should have jobs while they are still students. (advantageous 라고 표현하는게 더 정확할것 같네요^^) Only studying throughout the period It is not good for students to concentrating only on studies, when they are students is not good because they can’t learn other important, essential (같은 뜻. 하나만 써주세요!) lessons (they can get while working) from working in society. (The lessons are necessary for them to go toward the better direction in life and make their lives more productive and extraordinary.) For the reasons previously mentioned, I believe that teenagers should have their part-time jobs at least once.
(서론과 결론에 주장과 이유를 state 할 때에는 짧게 요점만 써주세요^^. 그냥 is it good or not? 에 대한 대답과, this is because ~ and ~. 이렇게 이유를 간단히. 간단하게 쓰라고 해서 문장을 vague 하게 쓰거나 하지는 마시구요. specific 하고 convincing 하되 간단하게 써주셔야합니다. 또, formal essay 에서는 can't, don't, isn't 쓰지 않습니다. 모두 cannot, do not, is not 으로 바꿔주세요.^^) |