> > 2011-01-18 21:23:13, '' 님이 쓰신 글입니다. ↓
■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer | |
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Topic : It is unrealistic for people to work at the same company for their entire lives. |
In this rapid rapidly changing world, it is often considered that if people are inflexible and afraid of change, (콤마 잊지마세요) they are more unlikely to be successful 아니면 to succeed in (something) succed. Although some people think that is is realistic to work for the same company for their entire lives, (같은 문장의 반복 피해주세요~) I absolutely believe that wroking in many (different) companies is much better. The rationale behind this is that working for one company for a long time decrease (decreases) one's productivity. In addition, experiences in many companies contribute to find the right job for their the worker's talent.
(스펠링, 문법실수 주의하세요~^^)
First of all, Working at a company for a long time decreases workers' (소유격 apostrophe 적어주세요) productivity. This is because they become weary of their work with their same same work daily routine. According to the a recent study, employees who have been working for over 10 years produce 30 percent less than the new employees who have been working for under 2 years. This implies that the former become were fed up with the same work, the same people they meet everyday, and the monotous work (working env. 입니다^^) environment. In this situation. (마침표?) their jobs seem like very dull, and this result (results) in (low) decreasing productivity.
(문장의 시작, 이름, 지명 등을 제외하고는 문장 안에 대문자를 쓰지 않습니다.^^)
Moreover, people who have worked work in many companies tend to find the right suitable jobs that suited for their aptitude. One significant reason is that by working in many companies, they are able to know which companies or jobs are suitable for them. best suitable for them. For example, my sister has worked in many companies ranging from a huge conglomerate to small company with 2 people. (ranging from small 부터 크게 나열하는것이 더 좋을것같네요^^) My parents were disappointed whenever she told them that she was going to swich jobs. However, she said that she wanted to find the perfect career for her. (perfect career 를 찾기 위해서 여러 jobs 를 찾았다. 한 문장으로 표현하시는게 더 좋을것같아요^^) In the end, she was able to find the job that best suited her. If she had stayed at in one company, she would not have been able to find the right job for her. her fantastic job.
To conclusion,(In conclusion OR To conclude, ) I definitely that people should have experiences with many companies. """it is im/possible to work ~""" ; not only because working in various fields/companies increases the workers' work efficiency, but also it their efficiency at work, but also they it helps workers find can find the right career path for them. (Not only~ but also ~ 문장을 => working in different fields/companies does not only increase the workers' work efficiency, but also help ~ 이런식으로 써주셔도 괜찮아요^^) Although, the stability in one company is appealing, it prevents people from growing in their professional lives.
(conclusion에 자기 주장 표현할 때에는 possible 인가 아닌가 에 대해서 직접적인 답변을 해주세요^^ ) | |
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20분도 채 안걸렸네요.
이거 롸이팅 교재에 있는 문제인데 예전에 공부하고 지금 제가 스스로 써봅니다. 기억을 되살려서....
소중한 첨삭 정말 감사드리고요~ 대충 제 점수대가 어느정도 나올거 같은지도 알려주신다면 정말 감사드립니다~~~
점수는 제가 잘 못드리겠어요..ㅠㅠ
문법 실수나 스펠링 오류가 많았는데, 작은거 하나하나라도 모두 점수에 반영되니까 이런 실수 줄이시고 어색한 표현이나 군더더기 표현들 빼고 쓰시면 괜찮으실거에요!^^