In modern society, studying and receive (동사 형태 일치시켜 주세요! receiving 입니다^^) knowledge is considered the most valuable time. Playing sports is, thus, regarded as waste of time and energy. Although some people say that universities should invest more on libraries due to its value, it should be thought considered otherwise. Sports activites should be funded equal to libraries equally, because it has several benefits. These include helping students stay fit healthy (이 경우에는 fit 보다 healthy 가 좋습니다~^^) and improving one's quality. (사람의 quality ?)
To start with, college students can maintain healthy body their health by playing sports, which brings to necessity of requires enough funding. (By developing libraries, students will easily access to diverse fields of books.) However, if they are sick and unable to read for long time due to unhealthy body, it is no use. (it is OF no use 입니다.) For example, my brother was one of the top students in his university thanks to his endless studying. Although he was proud that he spends so much time on studying learning, as time goes, he could feel (his health getting worse) him weakening. He became obese and had too much stress to concentrate properly. Hence, he sustained balance between studying and playing sports to raise the efficiency of working. He succeeded and got rid of his disease.
("왜" 학교가 invest equally 해야하는지에 대한 주장이 아니라, 학생들이 운동을 해야하는지? 에 대한 주장 같아요.^^ 그것보다는, 학교가 "체육"에 더 많은 돈을 투자함으로써 어떤식으로 좋아질지. 에 대한 것을 중점으로 해주세요~^^
예를들어, 도서관에 더 투자해서 더 high quality 의 책을 가져오는것보다, gym 에 더 많은 투자를 해서 여러가지 운동기구들을 들여옴으로써 학생들이 수업을 들을때도 더 많은 기구로 체육을 즐길수 있다던가. 이렇게!)
Moreover, participating in sports activities can improve one's personality. Students can easily get along with others more easily and raise strengthen their companionship, reponsibility and competitiveness. To illustrate, when I was in school baseball team, I learned priceless knowledege that cannot be gained from written texts. (that is~ 하고 설명해주세요. 어떤 lesson 을 배웠는지.) By being a member of a group, I felt the sense of belongins and decided to~ determined to work as best as I could. can. THis growed (grow-grew 입니다. 그리고, grow responsibility 는 어색합니다. 따라서 reminded me of~ ?) my responsibliy (because I was aware of my role as a player.) Also, competing with other schools, (competing 부터가 "주어" 입니다. compete 를 ~ing 사용해서 동명사로 쓰셨잖아요^^. 따라서 competing motivated me ~) was motivated to train practise harder and run faster to achieve our goal.
(이 문단 또한 주제에 대한 논리적 주장이 될수 없을것 같습니다. 체육 dep. 에 돈을 더 투자하는것이 어떻게 학생의 personality 에 도움이 되는지를 설명해주셔야죠!!
이 문단도 "스포츠를 함으로써" ~ 하게된다. 같이 주제와 맞지않는. 주장을 쓰신것같아요^^.
example은 working individually or alone 에 대한 문제에 더 적합한 상황 같구요..!
도서관보다 phys. ed. dep. 에 더 많은 돈을 투자함으로써 학생들이 가지는 benefit 등을 설명해주세요^^)
In brief, considering its advantage, sports department in college should be funded as much as libraries. These are raising students' physical state and enhancing thieir properties. All of us should participate in university sports club to achieve these benefits.
|