■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer |
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▶ Topic :The extended family is not as important now as before. |
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▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that the extended family is not as important now as before. Although many people no longer live together with grandparents, parents, children, and relatives, I believe that the extended family is still considered advantageous for following reasons. Living with many relatives spreads parenting responsibilities around, not solely burdening parents as in the nuclear family. Also, kids benefit from a more relaxed atmosphere and have more sources of love to draw from.
To begin with, the extended family can distribute parenting burdens. In modern society, parents are always bustling due to their works, and they hire a babysitter to raise their baby inevitably. However, they are worried about baby’s safety because they don’t trust the unfamiliar babysitter entirely. If they live together with their relatives, they can be relieved because their reliable relatives would take care of their baby. relieve by taking care of their baby by their reliable relatives.
On top of that, kids are conducive to sources of love that they can draw from their extended family. For instance, in my case, I lived with my grandparents until I entered elementary school. Even though I was young at that time, so I can remember all of things, but I could still engrave on love that I received from my grandparents on my mind. They raised me up and gave their love and kindness more than my parents did because my parents were busy due to earning money to grew me up. The memory which I received more sources of love in a more relaxed atmosphere The love that I have received in a more relaxing atmosphere remains in my memory and allowed me to become a person who can give love and warmth to other people in school or society because I have already experienced love from my extended family.
To sum up, extended family members are helpful to parenting responsibilities in this busy society, and kids who grew up in an extended family have more relaxed personalities because they have undergone more sources of love from various extended family members. In this regard, I feel that the extended family is still regarded as important system as before. |
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점수: 25/30
무난하게 잘 쓰셨으나 문법 오류가 꽤 있습니다.
문장의 한 phrase 전체가 어색한 부분이 3군데 정도 있었습니다.
품사와 동사의 변화도 체크 부탁드립니다.
첫번째와 두번째 이유가 약간 중복된다는 느낌이 있었습니다.
아예 왜 nuclear family가 안 좋은지와 extended family가 좋은지 두개로 나눠서 했으면 더 좋았을 듯 합니다.
수고하셨습니다. *^^*