■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer |
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▶ Topic :
Parents are more concerned about their
children as time goes by.
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▶ Your Answer :
It
is debatable whether parents are more concerned about their children as time
goes by. This is an intriguing question because opinions concerned with this issue
can be different depending on each individual perspective. In my opinion, however,
I support that today 's parents are more careful with their children than in the past.
To
begin with, as time goes by children become more rude. As modern society is becoming increasingly
competitive, today's world requires children with individualism. It makes
children more of a selfish person. Imagine that people in the agrarian society of
the past cooperating with neighborhoods for farming and exchanging their labor as
well as food. Would it be possible in
modern society? The answer will be "no". This is because these days children
have not experienced sharing and cooperating like the agrarian society's
children. For example, I have a friend who is a mother of her 11 year old son. Her
son spent much time studying alone because he felt a great deal of pressure
about academic performance. Therefore he had few opportunities to play with
friends. In addition, he was very stressful for competition in school. Over
time he became increasingly rude and had difficulties building a relationships
with his friends. As a result my friend should pay attention to her son's school life
and teach him interpersonal and communication skills. However, this problem is
something our generation did not experience in childhood since we were not under
the pressure of exam and studying when we were younger. We had much time to get along with many friends and opportunities to develop social and
communicational abilities. Through this experience, I realized that as society
has changed, the degree of parents' care for their children must change too.
In
conclusion, I firmly believe that as time goes by, parents become more worried
about their children. All things considered, it is my belief that my argument
regarding this topic can be effectively and precisely delivered with the
reasons mentioned above. Never should we forget that this issue may have a huge
impact on our future. (What impact??)
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감사합니다!!
점수: 23/30
1. 각 문단 시작 전에 tab버튼을 눌러서 들여쓰기 해주세요.
2. 에세이 구조를 인트로 - body 1 - body 2 - conclusion 으로 해주세요.
Your body paragraph is so long that what you're really trying to say is kind of unclear.
Divide the paragraph into two parts and clearly distinguish the main reasons from each other.
3. 문법에서는 품사를 잘 쓰시면 좋을 것 같습니다.
4. For your conclusion, the very last sentence is way too vauge and out of topic. Maybe change the entire sentence?
수고하셨습니다. *^^*