▶ Your Answer :
It is debatable whether young people today are more dependent more depend on their parents compared to in comparison to the past. This is an intriguing question because opinions concerning this issue can be different depending on regarding with the individual perspectives. In my opinion, however, I support that young people today are less dependent on their parents compared to the past for the following reasons. The reason is that young people today are more independent than the past because they broaden their perspectives To begin with as today's people broaden the perspective, they are more independent. To be specific, techniques are continually developed, which as a result allows people to better understand about their problems and solutions since the techniques concerning with problem solving has been improved, people can easy to acknowledge own mistakes. A variety of machines are equipped with many functions that help children do their work efficiently and accurately. Such functions are well used When such functions are well used, it is likely to bring brings about a better result in children's life. Suppose that there is no internet techniques. Would it be possible to solve various difficulties children themselves? The answer will be “no.” As modern society is becoming has become increasingly evolved, young people could do various things without other's help. For example, when I was 7 years old, there was no internet. I always depended on my parents and did not do tasks on my own. At that time, I could not get a lot of information without my parents. So parents did not go anywhere while leaving me alone. Twenty years later, my young cousin, John, is 7 years old now. Although John is a child, he has a sense of independence and responsibility. He is usually finds a lot of information using the Internet rather than asks his parents. He knows various knowledge as well as does his tasks well. My parents saw John and said “Now, children can do a lot of things with the Internet, without our help!”
In conclusion, I firmly believe that young people today are more independent compared to the past. All things considered, it is my belief that my argument regarding this topic has been precisely and effectively delivered with the reasons mentioned above. Never should we forget that this issue may have a huge impact on our future. Fair: 17~23 점수: 17 일단 문법적인 오류들이 너무 많습니다. 제가 첨삭한 것을 보시고 확인 해주시길 바랍니다. 이러한 많은 문법적 오류는 에세이의 플로우를 방해합니다. 또한 하나의 바디로 모든 것을 말하려고 하니 문장이 너무 장황합니다. 너무 장황하다보니 어떠한 말을 전달 하려고 하는 건 지 잘 모르겠습니다. 따라서 이렇게 하나 의 바디 안에 모든것을 다 넣는 것 보다는 간결하게 본인의 의견을 전달하는 것 이 더 좋을 거 같습니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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