▶ Your Answer :agree
Some people might say that the school must concentrate on their own research, not investing on social activities to attract students. But I think the school including college to university should invest their budgets on social activities. There are two reasons; today's society atmosphere and the virtue of 'synergy' The first one is today’s society atmosphere, and another one is the virtue of ‘synergy’. First of all, today’s society is full of competitions. This competitions include th e competition between universities and colleges, also companies. In other words, without investment, some schools might be fell fall behind. That means ‘setback’ in capitalism society. Suppose that you are the principal of the minor university which want wants to survive between among several magnificent universities. Would it be possible to attract brilliant students without any social interactions? Would competent students only consider the quality of research from the minor, small university? The answer might be ‘No’. There is a direct example. I can remember the moment when I should decide what kind of university to enter. I had two choices. SNU was known for not only its research program, but also investment and sponsorship with SAMSUNG. HYUNDAI and so on. HYU was famous due to their globalization level, but notorious for its almost zero investment on society. People around me said that I should never enter to that university. After finding school level and information from various newspapers, I decided to enter to SNU, and I have taken many benefits due to its investment. (억지 인듯한 느낌이 듭니다 본인의 개인적인 예시지만 설득력이 좀 많이 부족합니다) On top of that, society and students can be improved due to from the investment. And this consequence can attract so many useful students. That is, if the research projects conducted by many universities are combined with big companies, and furthermore, many universities invest their budget to co-research with companies, it Is beneficial to not only the university, but also the students and the society (run on sentence입니다 너무 장황하게 설명하신 거 같습니다). Students can take a chance to conduct very interesting and helpful research in a more reasonable, effective environment such as SAMSUNG lab. By co-investment and co-research, society can be more better world to live in. This idea can be assured by the statistic article. Korea Times published the article which contained the contents that 86% of high school students consider the effect of cooperation with school and company as the second priority when they decide the college or university. This means that school’s investment to social activity is critical to gathering high-grade students. To sum up, because of this reasons, the school should never hesitate the investment to social phenomenon. Even though there are negative factors such as school’s obsession with raising funding by using social group, or deceiving students by only its investment, the advantages raised by investment overshadow the negative factors. The best way to attract students who all the schools want is to invest all kinds of resources to outside the school. Fair: 17~23 점수: 23 잘 쓰셨지만 첫 번째 바디와 두 번째 바디에서 오류들이 몇개 있습니다. 가장 특징적인 오류는, 설득력이 부족한 예시가 있었다는 것 입니다. 예시를 사용하실 때 이유와 적절하고 설득력있는 예시를 드시는게 더 좋을 거 같습니다. 또한 두 번째 바디에서 전체적인 문장이 너무 장황합니다. 간결하게 문장을 이어나가야할 거 같습니다. 수고하셨습니다. |