▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that people put too much importance on their appearance and fashion these days while. other people think differently. Both sides may have their own reasons to support their views, If I have to choose one, I would way say that people today put a lot of time and efforts on their exterior figure. There are several reasons and example as follow. First of all, people spend more money on their external appearance than ever before. Some people buy many new clothes every year to keep up with the latest fashion. Moreover, lot of young people rely on plastic surgery to improve their facial beauty. For example, a friend of mine has had lots of operations for last several years to change her appearance. I though that she was pretty enough and I said that do not waste your money on the operations. However, she did not follow my advice and eventually had the operations. As a result, she has spent a large amount of money on the procedures that were not necessarily. 일단 너무 설명만 하는 거 같습니다. 외모에 돈을 너무 많이 쓰는 거 같다라고 하였는데 그 이유가 뭐인지에는 설명이 없는 것 같습니다. 이러한 설명이 있어야 설득력이 높아졌는데. 예를 들면 사회 트렌드가 외모 지상주의기 때문에 사람들이 많은 돈을 들여서 성형수술을 한다든지 이러한 설명이 필요해 보입니다. On top of that, there is a convince that attractive and stylish people have more chance to succeed. This is because, in modern society, people ten to evaluate others by exterior characters, not by ability. For instance, the modern music industry rewards people based on their appearance rather than their ability. This gives people who have fancy characters but are not equipped with music ability have more opportunities than people who have common style but have skilled music ability. As a result, good looking people earns lots of money from their appearance, while poor looking people cannot get money although they have remarkable musical skills. This incorrect practice cause causes people to have a brief that appearance is the most valuable merit than any other merits To sum up, people these days tend to spent spend more money on their external characters and think that good looking people have more chance to succeed. In this regard, people today put too much significance on their appearance and style. Fair: 17~23 점수: 19 일단 첫 번째 바디와 두 번째바디가 너무 이어집니다. 이렇게 두 개 단락을 만들어서 서술하는 것 보다는 첫 번째 바디에 사람들이 요즘 많이 성형을 한다 이유는 요즘 사회적 트렌드가 외모지상주의다 라는 식으로 서술하시고 두 번째 바디는 다른 이유를 서술하는 것을 추천합니다. 지금처럼 이렇게 서술하면 좀 너무 반봅적으로 서술되었다라고 생각이 들기 때문에 설득력이 부족합니다. 이러한 부분을 주의하셔서 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |