▶ Your Answer :
Whether girls and boys attend separate school is the issue in this society. Some people might think that do not agree with attending a separate school. boys and girls should not attend a separate school. However, in my opinion, I think that attending a separate school is better for students for two reasons.
First of all, students can concentrate on their own study and save time to adorn themselves. If you waste time by perking up, will time wait for you? The answer will be no (독립형 에세이에서는 의문형 질문이 들어가면 안됩니다). In the world we live in, time is regarded as gold. Since we cannot turn time back, we must save time as much as we can. Here is some example of this. My friends, named Amy was attending the coeducation school and I was attending the girl’s high school. She always took 30 minutes in the morning to make up and dress well while I saved that time because I did not make up or used time in choosing the clothes. As a result, I could study harder, so I went to a good university than her. (예시가 왜 여자와 남자가 다른 학교를 다녀야 하는지에 대한 개연성이 보여지지 않는 거 같습니다. 왜 화장르 안하는 것이 중요한지에 대한 구체적인 설명이 부족한 거 같아요)
Secondly, they can have a more strong relationship with same-gender friends. To explain, the identity makes in an adolescent period, which means it is the most important period in one’s life. Having same-sex friends is the important role in making own identity. Attending separating school can help in this sense. For example, my sister is in the coeducation school, and she gets lots of hurt from her classmate especially boys. Boys are younger than girls in mental age. They are always teasing and just running away. They are so childish to my sister. Therefore, my sister is thinking about to change school which I was attending.
To sum up, I agree with the statement for two essential reasons. Students can save time and focus on their studying. In addition, they can have the healthy identity by making same-gender friends.
Fair: 17~23 점수: 21 일단 개연성이 많이 결여된 독립형 에세이입니다. 항상 독립형 에세이에서 중요시 여기는 것 중에 하나는 에세이가 설득력이 있나입니다. 지금 이 에세이 같은 경우는 설득력이 부족합니다. 이유는 각 단락의 예시입니다. 이러한 예시들이 왜 남녀 공동 학교를 다니는 것 보다 남고 여고를 다니는 것이 좋은 지에 대한 구체적인 설명이 많이 부족합니다. 설명이 많이 부족하기 때문에 왜 이러한 예시가 나왔지에 대한 의구심을 품게 만듭니다. 따라서 좀 더 개연성 있는 예시를 사용하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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