▶ Your Answer : There might be some people who believe that it is more important to studying study hard than relating relate well with people. However, I personally disagree with the above idea with the subsequent reason. By relating well with people, we can relieve our stress. Relating well with people can help us to reduce our stress. What I mean is that we can have so many fun activities with people. To be specific, we can play exercise such as soccer, tennis, and baseball. Also, we can sing and dance together, and it makes us happy. By playing with people, we do not have to think about complicated things such as homeworks. In this process, we can relax our mind, and smile a lot. Imagine that you (에세이 형태에서는 you를 사용하시면 안됩니다) will study all day without relating people around you. Would it be better for you to live in the society? The answer will be "no". You will feel so lonely, and it will make your study efficiency reduce. The best way to live happy would be contacting and relating with people well. Frankly, this issue is actually like a double-edged sword. It is also true that studying hard has lots of advantages. However, I believe that the advantages of relating well with people overweight the advantages concerning the fact that studying can give us good effects. Let me bring up my personal story as an example. When I was in high school, I studied harder than anyone else. I did not talk with friends, and only stuied (studied) all day very hard. Also, I did not exercise and go shopping with friends. I thought that they are were waste of time. However, eventually, I received a lot of stress and could not get good result in the midterm exam. After that, I realized that it is so important to reduce my stress, so I played and talked to my friends,and relieved stress about studying. Thanks to this, I can could get good grade in the next final exam. It was a turning point in my life. In conclusion, relating with people well allows us to relieve our stress. For these reason, I stronly (strongly) believe that it is the most important thing in my life. Fair: 17~23 점수: 19 일단 에세이가 너무 장황 스럽습니다. 첫 번째 바디가 너무 장황 스러워서 불필요한 문장들이 많았습니다. 이렇게 장황하게 에세이를 쓰시는 것보다는 2개의 이유를 제시하여서 각각 이유를 간결하게 설명하는 에세이가 더 좋을 거 같습니다. 독립형 에세이 구조 자체가 이유 두 개 이상을 원하기 때문에 이유를 하나만 하는것이 아니라 바디를 2개 사용 하면 더 좋은 에세이 일거 같습니다. 수고하셨습니다 |