▶ Your Answer :
There
might be some people who believe that it is better to relax by watching
movies and reading books than doing physical exercise. However, I personally disagree
with the above idea for the two subsequent reasons. Firstly, doing physical
exercise can make people relieve their stress. Secondly, people can expand
their social networks by doing physical exercise.
First,
people can relieve their stress by doing physical exercise. By playing exercise
such as soccer or tennis, they can talk to their friends, and we do not have to
think about complicated things such as homework. Also, they can smile a
lot by playing with friends. I think that smiling a lot can make us
happy, and we can reduce our stress in this process. Let me bring up my
personal story as an example. When I was in high school, I was depressed
because stuying (studying) is was so hard, so I got so much stress. While searching how can I
relieve my stress, I realized that I am so happy when I am playing soccer (문법적으로 많이 이상합니다 이 부분 설명 부탁드립니다).
After then, I played soccer when I was so tired during stuying, and I can
reduce my stress, so my studying concentration was increased. (구체적인 설명 필요 왜 운동을 하면서 학업 집중력이 높아졌는지에 대해)
Next,
by doing physical exercise, people can expand their social networks, and build
close relationships with them. I think doing exercies (exercise) is the best way to become
meet many people. Frankly, this issue is actually like a double-edged
sword. It is also true that there are lots of benefits of watching movies and
reading books. However, I believe the advantages of doing physical exercies (exercise) overweigh (outweigh) the advantages of watching movies. According to a recent survey done
by JGR institute, 80 percent of the respondents said that they can meet new
people, and build close relationships while playing sports. Only 20 percent of
the respondents said that they can made make that relationships while reding books (이 부분이 문법적으로 말이 안됩니다).
This clearly shows that it is important role in building that relationships
with people.
In
conclusion, doing physical exercise not only makes people relieve their stress
but also expands social networks. For these reasons, I stronly (strongly) believe that it
is the best way. Fair: 17~23 점수: 17 일단 문법적으로나 철자적을 틀린 부분이 많습니다. 특히 문법적으로 말이 안되는 부분이 있어서 이해하는데에 있어 많은 어려움 점 이 있었습니다. 구체적인 설명 또한 필요한 부분도 있었습니다. 수고하셨습니다.
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