I strongly disagree with the statement that people can learn better by themselves than with a teacher for the following two reasons. First, they can attain academic goals more easily and develop into(grow up as) desirable adults with the help of teachers.
First of all, people who learn with a teacher can achieve their goals more efficiently.
In today’s society, people spend most of their time studying for academic studies through online.(or you can say; through Internet) However, the problem with this is that they(students) might feel difficult (find the studies difficult) when they need to look for the necessary one source among the vast of information.
문장을 좀더 specify하게 정확하게 써주세요, they, one을 너무 많이 그냥 써버리면
아무래도 문장의 레벨도 낮추구요, 읽을때 reader가 헷갈릴 수도 있으니까요
In this sense, if they(who are they? >> students) are allowed to reach out to the help of teachers, they can achieve academic goals more readily. For example, If people who learn by themselves want to look for the necessary information on the Internet, they need to turn on their computer gadgets, click the icon, and download the files. This process is irritating to time-pressed people. Even worse, they may spend most of their time finding related information and be focused on minor information. Accordingly, they should waste a lot of time on studying academic subjects. However, people who learn with a teacher can easily access the necessary information. In addition, they can learn how to apply the basic principles to real situations. As a result, they can attain their academic purposes as efficiently as possible. 뭔가 내용이 번복된다고 할까요? 더 다양한 opinion and support로 paragraph를 develop해보시는 것도 좋은 방법같습니다 ..좀더 자연스럽게
문장문장이 흘러가는 것도 필요한것 같구요,
Moreover, people can develop into exemplary adults with the help of teachers. These days, people are bound and driven by hectic schedules. These circumstances cause them to feel enervated with overwhelming school works. To escape from these stressed studies, they might misguide themselves to wrong doings. (to wrong ways..) However, people who have the aids of teachers can prevent themselves from conducting those misdeeds. For example, people can succumb to temptations when they have problems at home as well as at school.
At that time, teachers offer encouraging words and educate the value of morality. This enables them to have abilities to tell right from the wrong, which leads them to grow into desirable adults. At this sense,( In this sense랑 똑같은 뜻으로 쓰이나요?) if people are exposed to learn from a teacher, they can overcome when they face difficult situations. This induces them to develop exemplary adults.
In the conclusion, I believe that people can learn better with a teacher than by themselves. With the aids of teachers, they can reach their academic destinations and grow into desirable adults.
조금 어색한 표현들과 단어들이 있지만 고쳐주시면 괜찮을 거 같구요,
좀 더 에세이를 professional하게 보이고 싶으면 더 specify 하면서 더
다양한 형식으로 다양하게 문장을 씀으로 더 실력을 보여주시면 좋겠구요,
계속 them, they, 를 중간에 너무 많이 써주지 마시구요, 써도 중간중간
그게 누구인지 specify해주는것도 reader를 위한,높은 점수를 위한
하나의 방법이겠죠?
structure와 ideas는 좋아요~
조금만 더 연습하시면 좋을것 같네요
화이링, |