저도 라이팅 연습 좀 해볼겸. . . . . 첨삭 한번 도전 ! 두둥 , , ㅋㅋㅋㅋ
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Many people believe that studying abroad is becoming a popular alternative for many students. [그냥 깔끔하게, Studying abroad is . .. many students. 로 가는건 어떨까요 ?] I agree that it is better for students to attend a schools [schools] or universities outside their home countries. This is because it gives them a chance to learn a foreign language and get a social experience. [그냥 두 문장을 합쳐버리는게 더 깔끔 할 수도 . . . home countries because it gives them . .. . .. . experience] First of all, it is helpful for students to study abroad because they can learn a foreign language more easily [반박의 여지를 없애는게 좋죠. 반론으로, 'People still can learn a foreign language in their home countries.' 처럼 나오면 할 말 없죠. 토픽센텐스는 강하게!]. A student living in another country can master its language more easily because he or she exposed to it all the time. For example [instance], I studied in China for about 1 year[, and it really helped me improve my Chinese language skills 이런식으로 보강을 해주는 것도 나쁘지 않다고 봄]. When I learned Chinese as a second language in my home country, I rarely had a chance to use what I learned outside of the classroom. However, living in a foreign country, I had to use the language constantly in school and in daily life. Without the experience of living and studying abroad, I would not have been able to learn fluent French.[헐?! 갑자기 French가 . . . . 갑자기 주제가 바뀌는 . . . Chinese 로 ! ] 그냥 대체적으로 because를 자주 이용하시고 문장구조가 단일하군요 . (저도 이럼 ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ) since를 섞어쓰거나 문장구조를 조금 바꿔서 thus, therefore도 같이 쓰시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다 ! Moreover, it is helpful for students [저번 문단이랑 완전 같은 형식이군요. 왠만하면 다른 문장구조를 사용하는게 좋습니다. Moreover, students can acquire more social experience while studying abroad.] to get a social experience. It forms a personal relationship very well. [ . . ...? unclarity로 점수 많이 깎입니다. 전 문장을 좀 고치거나 이 문장을 고쳐서 의미전달을 분명하게 해야합니다.] In the society, the personal relationship is very important for life [또 다시 unclarity]. For example, if i study abroad, it is different world and different people [For example, when I study abroad, I am in a different world with different people. 이 정도로라도 고쳐주시는 것이 . .. . ]. So I can meet many[more] new people than I could in my home country. I think that experience different world if very important. [ . .. . ? 혹시 이건가요 ? I think that experiencing different cultures(worlds - 좀 광범위하죠 . . ..) is very important] When I haven't go other foreign countries, My thinking of things are very law, it likes doesn't know more widely. [문법(시제, Run-On Sentence)오류들이 많고 스펠링 실수들도 간혹 보이네요. 연습만이 길입니다 ~ When I haven't gone out to other countries yet, my level of thinking was very superficial.] For example, I like traveling abroad because I can see more things and different things. I really don't like to stay one place, I think it is very boring and not exciting. [ . .. .? 갑자기 토픽과 전혀 관련이 없는 이야기가 . .... . ] Of courses[Of course], people's personality is different, [결론 부분은 앞서 나왔던 포인트들을 정리하는 부분이기 때문에 새로운 아이디어는 넣지 않는것이 좋습니다. 그리고 그냥 문법 수정하자면 . . . . people have various personalities, 정도로 . ..] but I think world experience, wide experience is most important quality in society.
일단, 문장들에 간혹가다 심각한 문법오류들이 있고 몇몇 문장들은 의미전달을 하지 못 합니다. 저것들은 계속 써보는 수 밖에 없습니다 ~ 그리고, 같은 단어와 문장구조를 너무 자주 반복합니다 ~ (different, for example 등등) 단어수를 늘리세요 ~ 이것도 공부만이 살 길 ! 아, 그리고 저 빨간색은 . . . . '그냥' 해본겁니다 ㅎㅎㅎㅎ In conclusion, studying abroad is an attractive option for students who want to master a foreign language or get a[some] social experience. In today's globalized world, they can achieve a greater sense of adaptability, which is necessary for success in all aspects of their lives. [. . . .. ?]
그래도 완전히 길을 잃지는 않으셨네요 ~ ! 그게 포인트죠, 뭐 공부해야할 포인트들 한번 리스트 적어보겠습니다 ~ - Clarity - Variety [vocabs & sentence structures] - Grammar - Spelling - Conclusion |