[Topic] Cooperation has much critical value than past. |
Obviously, people have been debating the pros and the cons of the argument that cooperation is much more important than that of past. From my point of view, I strongly disagree on the above statement for the following two reasons. My two main points are so follows: technological development enables people to handle many works by themselves and self development is important than cooperation in professional careers of modern society.
To begin with, technological improvement leads people to take care of their own tasks without other’ helps. Nowadays, technology can provide us chances to organize concerted efforts that have been made around the countries to make the world to be safer, such as environmental issues and waging wars. However, technological equipments, much more likely to allows us to handle many different kinds of workload by ourselves even without cooperation with other. Thus, cooperation has lighter values than that of the past. To illustrate, take agricultural industry as a case in point. In the past, it took more than a hundred of farmers to raise the grain to sustain their family and people. To be specific, they should put their hands together to sow seed, releasing fertilizer, and harvesting in the end of the season. In other words, they were severely required to be associated and got together to being productive. However, in today, the single machine can carry the works of the hundred of farmers in the past. For instance, sowing machine is able to sow more than 100 miles large of land in a day which is probably took more than a month to do in past. Thus, cooperation and concerted efforts are not indispensible than those of past. In addition, the occupations of this modern society require people to be professional by self-horning rather than cooperative force. Some people might assert that some of the jobs including politicians and policeman severely request put hands together to be operated. However, more and more jobs of these days are ever-increasing in term of professional ability which should be trained by oneself rather than cooperation with other. Therefore, there is no wonder that cooperation is less important that of the past. According to a survey recently released the Korean National Research Center, more than two thirds of the surveyed professors in Korea University responded that the proficiency of their fields are derived from self exploring of the knowledge and information instead of cooperating and association with other scholars. They also mentioned that cooperation is a matter of later when we are ready enough about the field by constantly horning ourselves. Therefore, we have been witnessed that the being cooperative is not the crucial factor of the people in these days compare to self training. In this context, the thing which should be illuminated is self development not the cooperation. In brief, individual tasks need to be considered positively in terms of the promoting a person’ work efficiency and development. Technological development enables people to handle many works by themselves and self development is important than cooperation in professional careers of modern society. In general, I wholeheartedly, believe that the very first thing that we should do is admitting the importance of self enhancement as the keystone to the go up the society ladder. |
안녕하세요. 몇가지 criticize 하겠습니다.
1. for the following two reasons. My two main points are so follows:
기능적인 단어는 essay에서 쓸수록 안좋습니다. 그냥
From my point of view, I strongly disagree on the above statement because technological development enables people to handle many works by themselves. In addition, self development is important than cooperation in professional careers of modern society.
이런식으로 연결해서 쓰세요.
2. self development is important than cooperation
이게 2번째 이유. 여기서 topic을 다시 remind 해볼까요?
Cooperation has much critical value than past. 과거때 보다 지금은 협동이 더 중요한 value를
가지고있다.
이 Topic에 disagree하는 statement를 펼치시려면 cooperation에서 찾아볼수없는
woking on own과 같은 혼자 일할때 더 좋은 점들을 쓰셔야하는데, self development는
topic의 cooperation를 reverse시켜도 나올수 없는 phrase죠. woking on own과 같은 것으로
바꾸셔야 하겠습니다. 자기계발과 협동과는 관계가 없는것을 캐치하시길.
3. technology can provide us chances to organize concerted efforts that have been made around the countries to make the world to be safer, such as environmental issues and waging wars.
can 지우세요.
more likely to allows
allow 임니다.
In other words, 이 3가지를보면 설명을 한다면, 더 자세히한다면, 다른말로는.
이 3가지를 쓰면서 설명하고싶으셨던게 '과거에는 기계가 없어서 농사짓는데 농부들이
많이 필요했다. 다 같이 협동해서 일해야 효율적이였고 그래서 더욱 협동이 필요했다'
이거 같은데 맞죠?
너무 지루하게 같은내용의 설명하는 sentence들을 길게 뽑지마시구 좀 모랄까
simplify하시는게 좋겠어요.
severely required >> severely 라는 단어선택 (X)
However, in today, the single machine can carry the works of the hundred of farmers in the past. 문장에서 grammar 고치십시요.
4. grammar 에러들 고치세요. 좀더 연습하시면 더 좋은문장 나올것 같습니다.
5. body 1st에서 eg로 agriculture이 알맞은지 다시한번 보는게 어떨까요. 제가볼땐
general한 cooperation과 농사짓는 협동은 거리가있는듯해서요.
다음번 essay슬땐 더 persuade하기에 적합한 eg넣으시면 되겠어요 ~
Correction은 여기까지 화이팅~