[TOPIC]Would you like to have others to have decisions for you rather than making it yourself |
Obviously, people have been debating the pros and the cons of the statement that making decision from other is better than doing so by oneself. From my personal angle, I strongly agree with the idea for the following two reasons. Modern society requires us to make decision by oneself which is one of critical factors of a leader and making decision can be ensued by strong responsibility in certain tasks.
처음부터 obviously가 나와서 좀 당황했네요. 에세이에서 자신감 있는 tone으로 말하는 것도 중요하지만, 더욱 중요한 것은 읽는 사람을 offend 하지 않는 것입니다. 너무 일반화 시키지말라는 말입니다 ^^
따라서 Obviously는 지워주시고, Many people have been... 이라고 해주시면 충분하겠네요.
making decision from other is better than doing so by oneself --> having others to make decision can be better than deciding by oneself 라고 심플하게 고고싱
From my personal angle --> From my personal opinion / perspective / view 등이 더 낫다고 생각
I strongly agree with the idea... --> the idea가 무엇을 가리키나요? 혼자서 결정 내리는 것 아니면 남이 결정해주는 것? 확실하게 해주세요. --> I strongly agree with the idea that making decision by oneself is better for the following to reasons라고 고쳐봄이?
responsibility --> responsibilities To begin with, in this modern society, people are required to being decisive to make decision by themselves as a leader. Nowadays, nobody can expect even what is going on following hours, and thus decision making could be quite perilous. Making a choice, however, is one of indispensible factors of leader, although it has the risk of being wrong. Thus, I would like to say that determining the way by oneself is much more critical than allowing other to do it. To illustrate, take Steve jobs, the head of the Apple computer, as a case in point. Once his company had been in the financial downturns, the board of executives had requested him to sell his company to them and give up the position of Chief Executive Officer. Accordingly, every single person around him suggested that selling the company is the only and best choice for this difficult situation. However, he never given up from those other’ comments but strongly persisted his opinion and made his one decision to not to give up the company. Several years later, eventually, he could make the company back to the position where the top of the computer industry. Therefore, making decision by oneself is much important than following others.
매끄럽게 잘 시작하셨네요. 굿!
Nowadays, nobody can expect even what is going on following hours, -->무엇을 말하려는지 불분명합니다 (몰론 무엇을 말하는지는 압니다 ^^) -->Nowadays, future seems foggy as ever and one cannot predict it clearly 대충 이 정도?
allowing other to do it --> others to do it
as a case in point --> as a case in the point 혹은 as a case.
best choice for... --> the best choice for...
he never given up --> he never gave up
back to the position where the top of the computer industry --> back to the top computer industry position
끝 문장 참 잘 맺으셨네요 ^^
Furthermore, if someone makes decision by himself, it might have strong responsibility which leads him to be more successful in the future. Some people might assert that strong responsibility is mainly derived from the correlation of the members of the group. However, liability is able to be more robust when they making their own decision for the future of the group. Therefore, determine the path by oneself is much crucial than following the path of other. According to a survey recently released by the Korean National Research Center, more than two thirds of the surveyed CEOs of the top 100 ranked companies in Korea responded that the most essential characteristic of the leader is the decisive personality. They also mentioned that if they did not make the decision for the company they would have been more loosen at work. Thus, deciding for the future is one of the indispensible features which can be followed by unwavering responsibility. In this context, we have been witnessed that making decision is more influential than that of having others to do so. In brief, decision making needs to be considered positively in terms of promoting the capability and responsibility of a person. Modern society requires us to make decision by oneself which is one of critical factors of a leader and making decision can be ensued by strong responsibility in certain tasks. In general, I wholeheartedly, believe that the very first thing we should do now is admitting the importance of the making decision as a cornerstone to open the door of our future.
to make decision --> to make decisions
one of critical factors --> one of the critical factors
I wholeheartedly, believe --> I wholeheartedly belive (쉼표제거)
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잘 쓰셨는데요... 아쉬운 점들이 보인다면 쓰이는 문장이나 단어들에 비해서 조금 쉬운 문법을 틀리시더군요... proofread 하는 시간에 좀 더 투자하시면 될듯 합니다.
일단 골격 (structure)는 이미 감을 잡으신듯 한게 보여서 특별히 쓸말은 없고요,
문장을 좀 더 간단히 쓰는 연습을 키우심이 좋겠네요. 쓰는 방식이 상당히 문학티가 나게 쓰는 편이라 더 간단하고 명료하게 쓰는 것도 필요해요 ^^
점수는 4점 이상은 나올 것 같습니다. 제가 PBT 토플만 몇년전에 가르쳐서 iBT나 CBT는 잘 모르겠네요 ^^
그럼 수고하세요...
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