Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Attending a live performance (for example, a play, concert, or sporting event) is more enjoyable than watching the same event on television. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion. |
It is very difficult to say attending a live performance is better than watching it on television in these days, because technologies of televisions or many types of equipment that we can watch the live performance with those have been improved a lot. Nowadays, we are able to enjoy concert or spots events just like we are there. However, I do not think watching the same event on television is better than attending it actually. Because if we watch all the performance on television, I believe there is, definitely, a limit to enjoy and it could be caused to a descent of concert culture. Most of all, although the technologies of television or theater equipments have been developed that we can watch all kinds of performance, we, really, cannot not feel the passion in a concert. This fact is the biggest reason why people go to concert places. Attending a live performance does not mean only watching the performance. We can enjoy the atmosphere and share the extremely highest passion with other audiences. For example, I have a experience about the fact that I went to a concert of a rock band which was really exciting. At that time, I was extremely excited at the concert, and I realized my body was totally wet by my sweats after the concert. During the concert, I could not realize it because it was really exciting. I felt like a big storm just passed by me. If you ever have a experience going to a exciting concert, I believe you would have the experience like I did. This is why people buy tickets rather than watching it on television. In addition, the reason about how people can watch live performances on television is, it must have been performed in a performance hall before people watch it on television. If everybody does not attend a live performance and everybody watch it on television. It would be disappeared some days. In any case of performances can be performed by the fact that people buy tickets and attend at the concert hall. Actors or actress in a live performance have a purpose to communicate with audiences in the theater. Of course, there are many DVDs or video tapes that you can watch those on television as you just sit back and relax on the couch. However, you have to know this. Those DVDs or video tapes does not mean you do not need to go to the live performance, because mostly, those are for people who could not attend at the performance or keep those to remember the great performance like you take the picture of the moment that you want to remember. However, many people do not prefer to go to a concert or a live performance, because they can fully enough enjoy those on television. This appearance hinders a developing of the live performance. Briefly, I maintain watching the live performance on television could not be better than attending it. On the contrary watching it on television can be caused of that we could not watch it on television. I think people have to attend to the live concert more than now if we really want to develop the culture of the live performance. These reasons are why I agree with this statement. |
1. 문단 처음 시작은 들여쓰기.(= 한칸 띄어쓰기하세요.)
2. 첫 paragraph시작하면서부터 I disagree라고 너무 straight forward하게 주장이 튀어나온
감이 있어요. 보통 generally Background- thesis거든요. BG를 앞에 까는 연습을 하세요.
3. Grammar 다듬으세요.
Maxim하시곤 not everybody cannot success. (X) 모두가 성공하지 못하지 않는것은 아니다.
not everyone can success.(O) 모두가 성공하는 것은 아니다.
If a person will succeed, he or she would need to make a lot of effort.
문장 틀렸죠? In order to succeed, he or she should make a lot of effort.
앗.. succeed 인지 success인지 모르겠네요. 사전참고하시길.
4. introduction에 thesis가 없어요.
Criticize 하겠습니다. 일단위에것들은 제가 저번에 지적한것입니다.
오늘 Topic을 보면 Agree or Dis 이고, Attending a live performance is more enjoyable
than watching the same event on television. 이라는 내용입니다.
It is very difficult to say attending a live performance is better than watching it on television in these days, because technologies of televisions or many types of equipment that we can watch the live performance with those have been improved a lot.
이게 처음 문장이네요. 길죠? clarify하게 의사전달할정도로만 끊으세요. 길수록
문법적으로 더 틀리고, 끝으로갈수록 의사는 흐릿해지기 쉽습니다.
이문장을 해석하겠습니다.
요새는 공연에 직접 참석하는 것이 티비로 보는것보다 낫다고 말하기 되게 어렵게되었는데,
왜냐하면 우리가 라이브 공연을 볼수있는 티비 또는 많은 종류의 장비들의 기술들이 많이
발전해서이다.
한국어로해도 영어로해도 모두 필요이상으로 김니다.
= Thesedays, it is hard to say that attending a live performance is better than watching it on television. Media technologies have been improved a lot 하면서 specify해주고 문장을
간결하게하십시요.
1. First paragraph에서 처음시작하면서 sentence가 3줄.
호흡이 너무깁니다. 문장을 너무 끌지말고 clarify하게 의사전달할정도로만 끊어보는것도
좋습니다.
2. 첫 paragraph에서 2째줄보면 many types of equipment.
기계 즉 TV같은 것들이 많이 있어서 equipment
3. 이문장에서 문법적오류들 몇가지만 보겠습니다.
televisions (X)
television (O)
with those (X)
with have been improved a lot. (O)
4. Nowadays~~ enjoy concert or spots events just like we are there.
앞에 concert는 단수고 뒤에 spots events는 복수고. there은 어디를 지칭하는지 불분명.
spots events는 말이 안됩니다. spot의 뜻중 하나인 '현지의' '즉석의' 뜻을 가지고
즉흥 이벤트라고 하신것같은데 informal한 표현입니다.
5. thesis가 생겼습니다. 잘하셨습니다. 그런데 틀렸습니다.
A가 좋아 B가 좋아?
A가 좋아.
왜?
B가 싫어서.
이래서 틀리셨습니다.
맞는 thesis는
A가 좋아 B가 좋아?
A가 좋아.
왜?
A는 이런이런 장점들이 있거든.
두가지중 한개를 택하시면 택하신것에 대한 장점과 positive한 것들을 쓰세요.
선택하지 않은 것을 까는 주장과 negative한 주장들은 점수에 않좋은 영향을 끼칠테니까요.
correction 여기까지 하겠습니다.