Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The choices we make, rather than our abilities and talents, show who we are. |
I heard quite many times that people say “I wish I had that genius talent on the field like others..”. It seems people regard talent and ability as ways to success. However, I would say that we need something more for success: good choice making. I firmly agree that the choices we make, rather than our abilities and talents, show who we are, because, for many cases, abilities and talents are made even by choice, and choice is able to determine our life regardless of our ability and talent. First, a lot of abilities and talents are created by choice. As a high school student in Moreover, choice can determine our life regardless of our ability and talents. There are a lot of people who have talents, but few of them success. For instance, there were two Korean artists who have the same infinite potential in themselves. One decided to go to study abroad to the In conclusion, I agree with the statement that choice shows who we are rather than ability based on my personal experience. There is no doubt that making a choice is really significant in our life and we need careful choice making. |
writing 이 27점에서 오르지를 않더군요.
제 문제점이 뭔지를 알려주시면 감사하겠습니다..
제첨삭을 읽으실진 모르겠으나 읽으신다면 기분상하지말고 읽어주세요.
1. For a specific ex하지마시구 그냥 For an example 하세요. simple is good.
2. Like other parents하시면서 내친구의 부모님들도 친구가 과학에 천재가 되길 바란다.
하셨는데 좀 exaggerated 된 감이 있네요. like other parents는 지우세요.
3. 논리가 깨진부분이 있습니다.
Now she became a genius about science in Korea 하시곤
because she knows so many things about science라고 support 하셨죠?
많이 안다는것과 천재라는것과는 다르죠. expert가 되었다라면 충분히 logic이 성립되는데
말이죠.
^^ 그래두 잘쓰시는 분이시니 제가하는말 무슨말인지 아시리라 믿습니다.
4. 음 삼번(3)에 이어서 지적이들어가는데요 heard from academy하고 무엇을
heard 했는지 restate 해주는게 좋을듯해요. 좀 vague해서요.
그리고 여기서도 논리가좀 깨지는데
많이 알아서 천재가되었다고 하시면서 '왜냐하면 어렸을때부터 학원에서 많이 들어서이다,"라고
하시면 '많이 hear 하면 많이 know 하고, 그러면 genius다,'라는 논리거든요.
제가 여길 좀 콕콕 찝는건 아프시지만 이런 실수 고치시구 30점 나오라는 의미이니깐
한번 생각해주시길 바라구요.
5. body 2nd paragraph에서요
choice는 talent,ability와 관계없이 우리의 삶을 결정할수 있다는 주장이죠?
Moreover~~~. 이문장다음에 There are a lot of people who have talents, but few of them success. 이렇게 specify 하시고 For instance, 하셨는데 예를들기전에 choice가 determine한다는것도 specify하면서 restate하고 eg로 들어가셔야해요.
예를들어서 설명해드릴께요.
Like 김치 or 스테이크 and why.
이런 주제가있어요. 김치가 좋은데 그 이유를 Good for health라고 했어요.
body쓸때 Kimchi is my favorite food because it is good for health. Steak is not good for health because it contains lots of fat. For instance,
이글의 문제점이 보이시나요?
health에 좋아서 김치가 좋다고말하고 스테이크실다고말하고 바로 예로 들어갔죠?
CORRECTION이 길어졌네요. 여기까지만 할게요. 그럼 화이팅!
p.s.
저 영어 잘 못한담니다.