There might different opinions regarding whethere spending time at work is more important than spending time with family members. Personally, I strongly disagree with the above statement for two reasons. First, (이거는 이따가 본문에 쓰시는게 좋을 듯해요. Moreover는 and의 의미니깐 크게 상관없구요.) spending time with family give people emotional comfort. Moreover, the time of spending with family is limited, unlike the work hours.
To begin with, people are able to have comfortable time and relieve stress by spending with their family members. In today's society, a majority of people are suffocated with overwhelming workloads and thus, which make them lead a stressful lives. At this point, it is family members who can give people to be realxed by talking and having a great time each other.
According to a survey released by Korean National Center, (one of the most ( ) Centers in Korea 이런식으로 설명과 동시에 이것을 왜 예로 들었는지 설명해주시는게 좋을듯해요..) more than two thirds of the workers who live alone without their family responded that they feel much more stress by living alone than when they lived with their family. Based on this study, workers who live on thier own themselves feel isolated (lonely 가 나을듯;;) ,especially after leaving thier office. This is because there are no one to talk with them about thier suffering day. Even if they have a roomate(스펠링 조심!! roommate!!) or friend, they are not understanding enough when compare to their family. In this sense, people are in need to have a great amount of time with thier family in this modern society.
Moreover, the time that we have with family dose not last long. In general, people are capable of working when they get old. However, people have quite limited time that we are actually able to spend with their family members, especially thier parents who are much older than them. In this regard, there is no doubt that we have to consume a great amount of time with our family in given our life time.
For example, my friend who is very successful CEO was pretty obsessed with her carrer five years ago and she rarely had a time to meet their family. Before long, when she finally got a place of CEO in her work, her mother was passed away because of car accident. She was (불필요한 수동태 표현들;;)cried everyday and repented that she did not even call her parents due to her busy life. After that she realized that family is the most important her life among others. In this sense, it is obvious that people should focus on being with thier family rather than working alone(이렇게 해서 family의 효과가 조금 더 두드러지지 않을까요?) too much.
In a nutshell, it is more significant to put much time with thier family other than working in terms of emotional health and precious short time than we can share with family. (문장 잘 이해가 안가네요..) given short time with family.
전체적으로 무리없이 쓰셨는데, 조금 평이한 감이 있고요
일부로 길게 쓰시려는 경향이 있으신것 같아요.
than절등 관계대명사 많이 쓰는거 주의하시고 사소한 문법과 스펠링 실수 조심하세요...
저도 문법은 강하지 않아서 조금 실수가 보이지만 첨삭은 특별히 하지 않았어요. ㅠㅠ
계속 연습하시면 좋을것같구요
어차피 저도 토플 준비하는 사람이라 많이 부족합니다. ㅎㅎ
같이 정보공유 같은거 하실꺼면 thdgnsrl5018@naver.com 으로 해주세용~~ ㅎㅎ
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