▶ Your Answer :
Some people think the most important thing that could be learned
from sports is competition. However, I disagree with them because competition could
have a bad influence on children’s mental health and the childhood is almost
the only period that they can have fun without a burden of competition.
To begin with, competition makes children people
under pressure and sometimes it goes too far so be harmful for their mental
health. For example, it causes negative feelings like jealousy, self-depreciation,
stress in children’s mind. Even for grownups, these are quite difficult to
handle with and for pre –mature children, they could be significant problems. For
example, if children had to face with competition every time they participate in the sports, they might keep thinking about why they cannot be better than their
friends rather than think about how enjoyable sports is. This can make children
have bad cognition for sports itself or for the friends who participate with or
for themselves.
Despite of the problems of competition like these,
we cannot avoid it in our life. This is the second reason why people should have
fun without competition at least in their childhood. For example, when we go to
school, we have to participate in competition to get better grade at exam. Even
after we graduate, we cannot get away from the competition because we should
try to get the job we want and after we get the job, and then we compete for better salary and
welfare. Like this, the whole life is competition itself and there is not much
time to enjoy something without pressure of competition. 인생이 경쟁으로 가득차있다는 점만 설명해서는 '스포츠를 즐기기 위해 해야 한다'라는 입장까지 연결할 수 없습니다. 적어도 스포츠라도 즐기면서 하게 해줘야 한다, 하는 식으로 연결이 필요합니다. 하지만 이런 주장보다는 '스포츠' 주제와의 연관성을 살려서 "즐기면서 스포츠를 해야 좋은 점"을 피력하는 편이 논리면에서 좋은 점수를 받기에 더 유리합니다.
Of course, there are some positive effects of
competition, too. However, at in the childhood, people are vulnerable even for the
tiny attack to their mind. So we need to protect children from those mind attacks. I think we all agree to that we need more fun and pure joy than more competition
that we are going to face with for the rest in last of our life whether whatever we want it or not.
Comment : 어릴 때 즐겨두어야 한다거나 경쟁이 심적 부담을 가중한다는 주장 자체는 reasonable하지만, 이 내용을 논리적으로 설명하는 과정에서 단계가 부족하다는 점이 아쉽습니다. 특히 본론2의 경우 스포츠에 대한 설명이 부족하기 때문에 논점에 맞지 않습니다. 인생이 경쟁으로 가득차있다는 것만 설명하는 것은 전혀 다른 내용의 답변입니다. 아이들이 스포츠를 즐기면서 해야 좋은 점을 보여주는 주장으로 재구성하는 편이 좋을 것 같습니다. 매끄러운 논리 흐름에 초점을 두고 내용을 더 발전시켜주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2.5/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Inappropriate or insufficient exemplifications, explanations or details to support or illustrate generalizations in response to the task (설명이나 예시, 세부사항이 필자의 주장을 뒷받침하기에 부족하거나 부적절한 경우) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음)
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