독립형 주제 TOPIC
Having ambitious dream vs being realistic
Undoubtedly, it is becoming has become very important to have specific life goals for one's life nowadays. Some people might say that being realistic is the most ideal choice, while others think that having ambitious dreams is far better for them. In this case, if I were asked to choose one, I would like to say that aspiring dream is a right choice.
In my opinion, having dreams can highly inspire human beings. People who have good goals tend to obtain more things than others who do not have objects. In addition, most of the famous stars and great men also said that they had dreams and this dreams helped them to achieve their goals. So it is obvious that having dreams can make people to have better life. Let me tell you about my friend's personal story as an example. When I and he we were in a high school, he was not good at studying. Therefore our teacher always scolded him because of his low grade. Instead of studying hard, he had a dream that is being to become a E-sports pro gamer. When I and my other friends had computer games with him, he showed his amazing talent of playing computer games. We were surprised by his incredibly outstanding game play many times. Later on, after our graduation of high school, he did not go to university while most of other students went to universities or colleges. Despite of the prejudices of him and negative views, he kept his effort and always tried to practice hard. 3 years later, I saw some TV news and that was amazing. This was because he was on the news and I knew that he finally became pro gamer. There were a lot of reporters who admired his play. Even now, He is becoming famous more and more Even now he has become more and more famous. Half of the world's people know his name nowadays and he get paid a lot of salaries. His nick name in game League of Legends is MATA. If he had not kept his effort to achieve his goal, he would not have been able to be such a successful gamer in the world. (예시가 좀 주제와 어긋나는 거같아요 야망적인 목표에 대한 주제인데 스토리상 노력의 결과 로 됬다 라는 느낌이 듭니다 야망적 목표에 대한 설명이 부족한거 같아요)
All things considered, having ambitious dreams has a lot of advantages for people and it can help them to get a successful life. As a result, I strongly believe that this way will be a far better choice.
Fair: 17~23
점수: 20
첫 번째 바디의 예시가 주제와 좀 벗어 나는 거 같습니다. 에세이를 쓰실 때 특히 예시 부분에서는 명확하게 이유와 주제에 연관성이 있는 예시들을 써주시는 게 좋을 거 같습니다. 또한 에세이의 설득력을 높이기 위해서는 1 개의 이유보다는 2 개 이상의 이유를 서술하시는게 더 좋을 거 같습니다. 문법적 오류들이 있으니 보고 참고하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.