▶ Your Answer : Some people think that spending their own time on hobbies that are not related with the work is important. In contrast, the others might think that overworking or hobbies which are related with their work is important. In my opinion, people have to enjoy free time with hobbies that are different from their work. I feel this way for a couple of reasons. To begin with, it would be more effective on our work if we do something different from the company tasks in days we do not work. Generally, People might get exhausted when they concentrate on the only one task, whatever it would be. To be specific, same case applies for the work, even though they like to do it. When getting we get exhausted, we have to do something else, which have no common factors with the work. For example, when working in the computer programming company, I always sit sat down on the chair and kept looking on the computer screen, which made me really tired. At the holiday, I decided to go on a travel wherever it would be, just to get out of repeated daily life on the company. After came back from a trip and begin began working on the company, I was able to do my tasks even more effectively than before because of refreshing experience. Therefore, from the case of mine, it is essential to spend free time on hobbies that have something different from our work. On top of that, by enjoying our times on distinctive activities, it is able to learn some lessons that cannot be acquired by the work. Generally speaking, if we work every day on a same daily routine, repeated tasks would give us same lessons every time, which are very boring. However, if we spend our holidays with hobbies that are different from the work, it would be much more meaningful, and give us happiness or satisfaction. According to a study conducted by Seoul National University, it is said that 84% of people who are working on an identical daily routine responded that they are unsatisfied with their job and lifestyle, due to the fact that they learn nothing special from their own job. In contrast, 93% of people who spent their pastime on distinctive hobbies were satisfied with their life because of valuable lessons they learn on special activities. As we can see on the certain survey, it is able to conclude that lessons we learn from hobbies that are not related with our work affects our lives on a positive way. (직업과 다른 취미 생활을 즐기게 되면 어떠한 부분에서 삶으 교훈을 얻게 되는지에 대한 명확한 설명이 더 필요할 거 같아요) As I started above, I thoroughly agree that special hobbies that are different from our work are vital in our life. This is due to the fact that it makes work more effective and gives us new experiences. Fair: 17~23 점수: 21 일단 첫 번째 바디에서는 불필요한 문장들이 있었습니다. 특히 전반적으로 불필요한 문장들은 반복적인 문장이였습니다. 이러한 부분들을 피하는 게 좋을 거 같습니다. 또한 두 번째 바디에서는 예시에서 좀 더 명확한 설명이 필요할거 같습니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |