▶ Your Answer : There might be some people who believe that information from the internet is harmful. However, I disagree with the above ideas above with two subsequent reasons. First, people can be more creative. Second, information on the net can be helpful for their future career. First, information can help people become more creative. What this mean is that over the past few decades, many internet-based communication means such as SNS and smart phone application have been developed. Thus, People can discuss about a topic, and see different dimensions and angles of a fact, which helps them to be more creative. According to a study done by JYP institute of education, a majority of successful leaders said that they were inspired by discussing and seeing many people’s opinions about a topic. They explained that discussing and seeing many people’s opinions helped them to broaden their ways of thinking and learned to understand about the topic. This clearly shows that people can be more creative by getting the information on the net. Second, people can get better jobs by information on the net. To be specific, people can get their necessary and important information about their classes’ topics on the internet, so they can improve their performance at school, which is directly connected and ultimately success in their life. (run-on-sentence로 문장의 분리가 필요합니다) According to a survey done by JYP institute of education, 80% of respondents who are successful in their own field said that they usually had taken open course before they took classes. They can preview about the classes’ topics, which helps them to improve their performance at school. Thus, they can succeed in their field. They added that if they didn’t had taken open course, they could not get high score at school. This clearly shows that people can succeed by information on the net. In conclusion, information on the internet helps people to not only be more creative but also succeed in their life. In this regard, I strongly believe that information from the net offers a lot of benefits.
예상점수: 17-21 총평: 비슷한 예시를 두번 사용하시는 것은 글의 설득력이나 신빙성을 약화시킵니다. 또한 어휘를 사용하실 때 지나치게 단순한 어휘를 많이 사용하시는데 조금 더 적합하고 상황에 어울리는 단어를 찾아서 쓰시는 연습을 하시면 좋을 것 같아요. 특히 두번째 바디에서 문장구조들이 지나치게 비슷한 형식으로 반복되고 있어서 글이 지루하게 느껴지는 경향이 있습니다. 이러한 점들을 수정하시면 더 높은 점수를 획득하실 수 있을 것 같아요. 수고 많으셨습니다.
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