■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer |
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▶ Topic : Compared to when our grandparents were young, life is more comfortable and easier these days. |
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▶ Your Answer :
Undoubtedly, life with comfort plays a significant role in people’s daily lives in many of places where they study or work. Some people might say that life is more comfortable and easier these days compared to when grandparents were young, while others do not. Both sides may have their own reasons to support their ideas. If I were asked to choose one, I would say that living in the modern society is better than the past when grandparents used to live in there young. There are several reasons as follows.
To begin with, living in a modern society is much better than the past since the overall GDP is increased. The development of today’s technology helps to cure the disease and to decrease the gap in information as well as education. These positive trends tend to increase the standard of living and improve the overall happiness. For example, my grandfather was unhappy when he was young since he experienced Korean War and lost his father. After this tragedy, his family was so poor to feed themselves since they failed to sell the crops due to rapid urbanism. Also, he lost his first child because he could not go to the hospital or get the medicine since Korea was still suffering from the war and could not offer the medical service to its nation. Furthermore, my grandfather could not get into a company since he had never been involved in education. He became very cynical to the society and never smiled to others. However, Korea has changed over the years and experienced rapid growth in technology. Thanks to improvement in technology, hospitals were able to provide good service and save people’s lives. Also, education became mandatory for young people and diminished the education gap between the poor and the rich. Also, with the spread of the Internet, people were able to access information more quickly and easily than the past. This helped people to gain more job opportunities and earn income for their household. In other words, people with little or no income emerged as a new middle class. Now, my grandfather often smiles at (laugh at: 비웃다) his family since he became able to read and do part-time jobs. This clearly shows the difference between today’s society and that of the past.
All things considered, I strongly believe that life in these days is more comfortable than the time when our grandparents were young for the reasons I have mentioned above. All in all, the importance of living cannot be overestimated in pursuit of happiness in life. |
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점수: 24/30
1. 구조를 조금 바꿔야 할 필요가 있습니다. 인트로 - 바디 1 - 바디 2 - 결론 이렇게 하는 편이 더 보편적이고 실제로 보기에도 더 깔끔합니다.
지금 one giant body paragraph가 있는데 이러면 읽기가 불편해집니다.
2. 문법에서는 단복수, 품사, 시제 그리고 어색한 단어가 있었습니다. (sales -> sell)
3. 콩클루젼을 3문장 정도로 맞춰주세요.
4. grandfather의 시대의 example은 들었지만 modern day때의 예제는 상대적으로 분량도 적고 임팩트도 약합니다.
새로운 인물을 들어서 예시를 주면 더 좋을 듯 합니다.
5. 인트로를 상당히 잘 쓰신 것 같습니다.
수고하셨습니다. *^^*