▶ Your Answer :
Some
believe that human activity makes the Earth a better place to live.
However, iI personally agree with the idea that the Earth is being
harmed by human activity for the following two reasons. People cut a lot of trees for their convenience and cause global warming and air
pollution.
Some
may oppose to the idea, but first, it is sure ensures that the usage of
fossil fuels for human’ needs has been gradually increasing. For this
reason, global warming is caused by humans. Interestingly, this
controversy has been a debate among the modern society to discuss
what is beneficial to today’s environment. I had often discussed
with my friends holding different opinions. Initially, I thought that
human activity makes the Earth a better place to live. However, as a
result from the intense discussion, I deeply considered that the
earth is being harmed by human activity because human activity causes global warming. Rapid change of environment is caused by CO2 emission
from burning fossil fuels. People can use fossil fuels transportation such as car, bus and ship. fFossil fuels transportation
emits a lot of CO2 that makes thick atmosphere. This thick atmosphere
hinders that terrestrial radiation energy from going go through the outside
of Earth. For this reason, the global temperature climate increases0,1 degree
Celsius every years . Also, emitting emitted CO2 from fossil fuels
transportation causes air pollution. Mmany animals suffer from the air pollution and will be able to dead. We have to decrease the usage
of fossil fuels for our beautiful Earth. 비슷한 내용의 반복을 줄여주세요. global warming&air pollution이 지구를 손상시키고 있다는 점, 이것이 주로 human activity때문이라는 점 위주로 강조하고 부수적인 내용은 너무 길어지지 않도록 정리하는 편이 좋습니다.
Secondly, Nnegative influences of human activity to the Earth result in is severe
deforestation. Trees are an important role because trees emit
beneficial oxygen and absorb CO2. They serve as Earth’s air
cleaner. However, people destroy a wide range of forest. As An article Ii read online on this subject explains that . Ddeforestation occurs around the world,
though and tropical rainforests are particularly targeted. About a half of
the world’s tropical forests have been cleared for their
convenience and profit. For this reason, As a result, deforestation caused our
environment to be worse than before. Also, Ddesertification causes a severe
problem that water of Earth will evaporates and organisms become will extinct
in on the Earth. Beauty of the Earth will gradually disappear.
To
conclude, I strongly argue that my standpoint of the is sufficiently
convincing. Man-made transportation using fossil fuels and activities for the development result in air pollution and deforestation. damage In this
regard, I believe that the Earth the Earth is being damaged by
the human activity.
Comment : 크게 대기오염과 사막화를 유발하는 인간활동을 예로 들어서 문단을 구분해주셨는데, 내용 정돈이 더 필요할 것 같아요. 비슷한 내용이나 크게 관련 없는 내용들을 없애고, 대신에 인간의 어떤 활동이 어떤 결과를 가져왔는지, 이것이 왜 지구에 damage를 주는 것인지를 설명하는 데 초점이 갈 수 있도록 다듬어주세요. 대소문자오류, 문법오류가 너무 많습니다. 정확한 표현에 더 신경써주세요. 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) - May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함) |