▶ Your Answer :
Today, many people believe that modern people can do so many things well. However, I think that people can do a few things well today because of the following two reasons for the following two reasons: first, people do not experience a lot of activities today, and second, people are raised to do only few things well.
First of all, people do not experience a various kind of activities today than our ancestors did because we do not have to do (이 부분은 무슨 말을 하려고 했던건가요?? 자세한 설명이 필요해 보입니다). For example, people in the medieval era should follow all processes to make a bread. They had to cultivate wheat, make a dough and bake it. However, it is not the case of modern era because we can eat bread just by buying it. As a result, we do not have much opportunities to experience these various kind of activities and so we can do a few things well. 주제와 전혀 연관성이 없는 예시와 이유입니다. 개연성도 부족하고요. few things well과 어떠한 관계가 있는지 이해가 되지 않습니다. Secondly, the modern society do does not require for us to be a generalist who can do all of things well. Instead, we have to be a specialist to live in the modern society well. As a result, we are raised to do only few things well. For example, let’s think about the person who could do all steps to make a bread in the medieval era. If he come comes to the modern society, he cannot earn money because there are so many specialists for each step. The baker who can make the most delicious bread but cannot raise wheat can earn a lot of money instead. In this context, modern people are not required to do well, and so they only do a few things well. In brief, people do not experience a lot of activities today and furthermore, the modern society do not require us to do well many things. As a results, I think the modern people cannot do many things well. Fair: 17~23 점수: 17 일단 전체적으로 예시와 이유들이 주제와 연관성이 부족해보입니다. 이 에세이의 주제는 현 재사람들은 few things do well이라고 하는 각 바디의 예시는 전혀 관련히 없는 생뚱맞은 예시들이 나타낫습니다. 따라서 좀 더 예시를 고를 때 주제와 연관 짖는 것이 가장 중요한 거 같습니다. 또한 문법적 오류들이 있으니 제가 첨삭한 것을 보시고 확인하시길 바랍니다.
|