▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that taking risks
and exploring new things is better than for elders. However, I believe that
young people is better. This is because risks and new things enable young
people to relieve stress while elders can put them under stress.
To begin with, taking risks and new things can
prevent elders from enjoy enjoying a better quality of life by putting them under
stress. In response to the increasing role of risks and new activities, many
expert's opinions and research statistics reinforce the idea that risks and new
experience can put elders under stress. My grandfather’s experience also
demonstrates some of the disadvantages of experiencing risks and new things for
elders. My grandfather retired three years ago, and he just wanted to rest
because he already worked hard. But, because of his friends suggestion, he went to
climb a high mountain for a few days. As a result he was sick from now on and
did not relax owing to treat of wound. This example demonstrates some of the
disadvantage of risks and new activities for elders.
On the other hand, taking risks and
exploring new things allows young people to relieve stress. Understanding the
daily environment of young people and potential role of experiencing risks and
new things is necessary to substantiate this view. Every morning, once they are
at school, they have to endure countless textbooks and continue to read more
even at home. Such exhausting routine repeats itself and eventually wears down
young people. So, by diverting from the mundane, young should have the
opportunities to encounter new activities to reduce their life stress. As a way
to ensuing stress, they can spend time exciting sports such as skydiving,
unfamiliar cave exploration. Even if it is only a short time, this frees their
minds from intense pressure from school.
In this regard, experiencing new and risks things encourages young
people to relieve stress.
To sum up, I believe that taking
risks and exploring new things is better young people than for elders.
Consequently, the importance of my view cannot be underestimated for the
reasons I have mentioned above. Fair: 17~23 점수: 21 일단 가장 큰문제점은 바디 2개의 이유가 비슷합니다. 둘다 스트레스에 관련된거고 노인에게 관련된거랑 젊은 사람들에게 관련된 거 밖에 없습니다. 이러한 이유들을 서술 하시는 것 보다 전혀 다른 이유 두 개를 서술하시는게 에세이의 전반적인 플로우에 좋은 적용을 할 거 같습니다. 독립형 에세이의 목적은 상대방을 설득 시키는 것 입니다. 똑같은 이유를 나열하면 설득하기가 힘들고 어렵습니다. 이것이외에는 틀린 부분이 없습니다. 수고하셨습니다. |