▶ Your Answer : Which action is the most important for parents
to take?: to provide books written for children to read, to read books out loud
for children to listen to, and to have many conversations with the children to
be prepared to speak with adults (이 부분은 독립형 에세이로 하여금 장황하게 만듭니다 따라서 필요가 없는 문장인거 같습니다). Some people might say that by providing books
written for children to read they can learn letters by themselves. Others might
say that reading books out loud for children helps children make their mental condition
comfortable, while the others might say that they can learn how to get along
with others by having may conversations with other children (이 부부도 너무 장황합니다). If I were asked to
choose one, I would say that providing books written for children to read is
the most important action by following two reasons for the following two reasons.
To begin with, children who read books by
themselves are more likely to adjust school life can adjust better in school. Reading books on their own helps
children learn how to write in a proper grammar sense, write in a correct manner,
and make a good sentence; on the other hand, if parents read books out loud for
children, there is a high possibility that they will not get used to how to
write on their own. If they learn these abilities, they would more likely to
adjust to the school life (앞 부분과 반복적인거 같습니다 좀 더 다른 표현으로 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다). For example, my sister was awkward at writing a sentence,
and reading on herself, when she was young. Compared to her friends who was at
same age In comparison to her friends, she was a slow-learner. But she began to write and read by herself,
after her parents bought a book written for children to read. By reading this
book on her own, she was able to learn how to use proper grammar and make good
sentences. As a result, she could adjust to her elementary school without a problem
and achieve high academic performance in her first year of the school. Were it
not for this experience, she would have not adjusted to her school life.
Moreover, having conversations with children
would (문장이 덜 완성 된 거 같습니다. 이 부분을 통해서 하고자 한 말이 무엇인가요?). Conversations with children at the same age can expose them to slang.
These exposures would have negative effects on the children and interfere them from
having prepared to speak speaking properly with adults. For example, a lot of research team,
including the TOKYO research center, had experiments about the influence of
having conversations with other children before entering the elementary school.
They divided children into two groups: one group was encouraged to have
conversations with other children constantly, and other group was banned to
have conversations with other children. The research shows that children who were
in group that had less conversation has more ability to speak with adults. They
could talk in proper manners and maintain their politeness. On the other hand,
the other group shows they could not easily speak with adults, since they get
used to talk with children who were at same age. Without having continuous
conversations with others, they would have adjusted to speak with adults.
All things considered, I strongly believe
that the advantage of buying a book to children far outweighs that of other options
for reasons I have mentioned above. All in all, the importance of reading books
on themselves cannot be overestimated in childhood.
Fair: 17~23 점수: 21 일단 인트로가 불필요하게 장황합니다. 필요없는 문장들이 서술된 거 같습니다. 인트로에서 전달하고 자 하는 것은 이 에세이의 방향성입니다. 방향성이란 이 에세이를 통해서 사람들에게 어떠한 말을 전달하려고 하는 지를 보여주는 거와 같습니다. 따라서 장황하게 나열하는 것 보다는 간결하게 전달하는 것이 좋습니다. 이와 마찬 가지로 단락들 또한 장황합니다. 두 번째 단락 같은 경우는 문장이 덜 완성된 곳 조차 있으니 이 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |