▶ Your Answer :
There
might be some people who believe that people who do not accept criticism can be
successful at workplace. However, I personally disagree with the above idea
for the two subsequent reasons. Firstly, criticism can be helpful for our work
efficiency. Second, it helps to make a close relationship with other people.
Firstly,
accepting criticism can be useful for work efficiency. Many people might think
that it is so difficult thing. However, it is not truth. I think criticism
is just a process to that exchanges our thoughts. By doing this, we can hear
other people's thoughts and fix the problem repair thing that we were wrong. Therefore, it
can increase our work efficiency. According to a survery done by JGR
institute of education(JIE), 80 percent of the respondents said
that they believe criticism is needed for our society. This is becase it
helps them to work better. They contends that they can add other person's
good idea to their work by accepting critic feedback. (Give an example) By giving
feedback, work efficiency can increase.
Secondly,
criticism allows us to make a good relationship with other people. Imagine that
there is no criticism among people. Would it be better for you to make close
relationship with other people aroud you? The answer will be "no". (Uncessary part) By
accepting criticm, it will be easier to make a close relationship. It can make
people have confidence, so they can be successful in their workplace. Let me bring up my personal experience as an example. When I was in high
school, there was time (What is that time exactly?) that learn criticism and accept it. By giving and
receiving criticism, I talked a lot with friends around me, and accept their
thoughts. In this process, we became much closer relationship. After that,
I had confidence and comfort in our class, and it made me success
life.
In
conclusion, accepting critcism not only increases work efficiency, but also
helps people to become close. For these reasons, I strongly believe that people
should accept criticism.
채점기준표 | Grammar | Contents | Example | Coherence | 점수 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 3 | Score | Fair 15-18 | - That 이하는 clause 로 사용하셔야 합니다. - 불필요한 템플릿사용이나, 잘못된 문장이 종종 보입니다. - 또한 단어의 쓰임이 한정되어 있습니다.
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