▶ Your Answer :
Some people might say that personal
appearance and fashion are not that much important for living in this society.
However, in my opinion, people should decorate themselves for the following two
reasons 주제를 벗어난거 같습니다. 이 에세이의 주제는 지금 현재 사람들이 겉모습과 패션에 많은 관심을 가지고 있냐이지 자신을 꼭 치장을 해야한다에 대한 에세이가 아닙니다.
To begin with, good looks make people
affluent. In the current world, people live in the society that obliges one’s beautiful
appearance and style. We cannot deny the fact that good looks arouse lots of
money automatically since there are a myriad of jobs that people can do just
because they have good appearances. Also as the appearance is the most
important parameter to determine their first personal image, it takes huge part
in this society. For example, one of my friends is a instagram star who has 150,000
followers. She is so pretty that everybody comments ‘you are so pretty’ on her
instagram picture. Because of her beautiful appearance and wonderful fashion
style, there are many suggestions for advertisement and modeling works, which
offer her huge amount of money.
On top of that, appearance is the one of
the most crucial elements to make friends. It is true that people prefer pretty
or handsome person than ugly person. Like there is a saying “first looks
represent your everything’, having a good looking is considered as integral
asset since no one wants to be seen as negative image. So without fascinating
style, people have more disadvantage than who have it in the aspect of making
friend. For instance there was a survey performed by ‘Elle’ magazine company
with 2000 respondent. There was one question that is ‘are you allured to the
people who have beautiful and clean style than who are not?’ with the three
selection which contains ‘yes’, ‘no matter’, ‘not at all’. Needless to say,
overwhelming 85% of respondents say ‘yes’, followed by 12% of ‘no matter’, 3%
of ‘not at all’. This implication of survey shows that how importantly people in
this society regard the beauty of appearance. So when someone wants to have
relationship with others, that person should use their time for having
outstanding appearance because it is the easiest way to hook the people.
To sum up, considering all those reasons
that I mentioned above, it is utterly not weird to emphasis on personal superficial
style. Actually they have to. Fair: 17~23 점수: 22 일단 바디에 대한 설명은 아주 좋았습니다. 각 예시가 바디의 이유를 잘 서포트 해주고 문법적 오류들이 없었습니다. 하지만 문제가 되는 것은 주제를 벗어났다라는 것 입니다. 지금 이 에세이의 전반적인 주제는 요즘 사람들은 겉모습과 패션에 너무 집중하고 있다라는 것이지 옷을 꼭 꾸며야 한다에 대한 에세이가 아닙니다. 주제를 확실히 파악하시고 에세이를 서술하시는 것이 더 좋을 거 같습니다 좋은 점수를 받기 위해서는. 이러한 부분 이외에는 문제가 되는 부분이 없습니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |