Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Working three days with longer hours is better than working five days with shorter hours. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.
Among people who are engaged in working, working time is a sensitive subject to talk about and the given statement is one of them. In my opinion, I prefer working five days with shorter hours rather than working three days with longer hours. This is because that excessive work makes the people's health bad (dangerous는 건강 상태 얘기에선 부자연스러워요) and dense working time is not a good strategy in the sense of working efficiency.
First reason is the relationship between our health and working time. Dense working schedule is not a proper one because we ought to do excessive work at once. Some people say that it is better for a labor worker that we bask in break time for four days freely. However, if someone scrutinizes the real case on the workplace, then many people will not advocate this pressed schedule, especially, when the work is related to other people's lives. For example, according to the newspaper, in South Korea, most of the bus drivers are going through this dense schedule, working three days with longer hours. During the short working time, however, they could not take a break sufficiently because of the bus interval, the time the bus leaves start to arrival from the garage. An interviewee who is engaged to a bus driver said that they cannot afford to eat lunch or dinner because of the excessive schedule. This case shows that a dense schedule is threatening the driver's health, as well as lots of passengers who use the bus route. (How come the passengers are affected? And any evidence that the driver's health is getting worse?)
Second reason is no efficiency. (Be more specific with your topic sentence.) Outwardly, the former statement, being able to have more break time is so attractive. But, we should consider that the amount of working is always constant. but the stint is just narrow down. Doing excessive labor in a short time forcibly leads the inefficiency. Of course, this inefficient examples are not limited for the workplace. We can find easily or experience indirectly the example on the university syllabus in vacation season. For example, from the class which opens during the vacation, we can feel daunting like working three days with longer hours. The remarkable point is here : the class interval is too dense because the stint of the course which progresses for one semester shrinks to one month, about the half of vacation stint. Granted, the interval between midterm and final exams is also short, therefore students in vacation season feel burden more than students on semester.
To sum up, since the labor's health is threatened by the pressed schedule and there is no efficiency, I do not agree with this statement.
점수: 23/30
1. 문단 시작 전 tab 버튼으로 들여쓰기를 꼭 해주세요.
2. 단어선택이 굉장히 고급스럽습니다. (ex. scrutinize, bask in, outwardly)
3. conclusion 분량이 상당히 짧습니다. 인트로와 결론은 세 문장 혹은 그 이상으로 해주세요.
4. detail이 전체적으로 부족합니다. detail을 더 많이 적어주시면 좋을 것 같습니다.