▶ Your Answer :Some people think that colleges and universities give more better compulsory help for students preparing job who prepare for jobs. However, in my opinion, it is better to lend a hand to students. There are two reasons. First, university's students lack human relationship and information which are helpful for job searching. Second, as colledges attempt to prepare students' job, their reputation will ascend. for the following two subsequent reasons.
To begin with, students have less information to prepare job. Using university's extensive relationship and reserved information, students readily prepare job (무엇을 전달하려고 하는 것 인가요? 좀더 구체적으로 설명 해주시길 바랍니다). For example, when I was in university, I tried to collect information from expert in the science field and attempt to seek out proper job-place. However, it was really hard to meet most of them since they consider appointment with me less important. At that time, I ask a professor to help me, then she give me a lot of information from the renowned scientist, her friend. Eventually, I found perfect job.
On the top of that, universities' reputation would rise when they give better help for students. People usually consider university's students' employment rate as a criteria to determine the university. Therefore, if the employment rate rises by helping students, the popularity of the school will correspondingly go up. So it will be really beneficial to school. With other words, there was a poll conducted by the education center with high school students as respondents. The purpose of the survey was to understand the criteria of determining applying university in today's society. The majority of students replied that they regard employment rate of universities as a criteria.
The reason was mainly concerned with worry of future. This survey proves that employing possibility has supremacy in determining a university.
Fair: 17~23 점수: 23 일단 구체적으로 설명할 필요가 있는 독립형 에세이인거 같습니다. 이러한 부분이 필요한 것은 각 단락에서 무슨 말을 전달하려고 하는 것인지? 라는 의문을 품게 하는 부분이 있습니다. 독립형 에세이에서는 설득력이 주된 목적이기 때문에 의문점이 들면 안됩니다. 또한 지금 이 에세이는 이유에 대한 구체적인 설명이 부족한거 같습니다. 이러한 부분들은 첫 번째 단락에서 많이 보여지는데. 좀 더 구체적으로 이유를 풀어나가시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |