■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer |
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▶ Topic : Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The extended family is not as important now as before.
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Presently, much discourse has been deliberated on whether the extended family is as important as it used to be in the past. Some people who believe that the importance has not diminished at all might say that family-related traditions are still considered important. However, in my opinion, large families are not as important as they it used to be. The reasons are that more people are leaving their hometown, and that the role of family members is diminishing.
To begin with, more and more young people are leaving their hometown in search of a better environment with more educational and career opportunities. Therefore, it is not uncommon to see family members gathering only once or twice a year. For example, there was a poll conducted by Korean Ministry of Family Affairs with a thousand young citizens of Seoul as respondents. The purpose of the survey was to understand the consensus view about modern family structures. The majority of respondents answered that they only visit their family once a year and or even none when they are too busy. An overwhelming sixty percents of the participants responded that their brothers and sisters are also living in different cities, away from their hometown. As shown in this survey, the importance of extended families is continuously decreasing as young people are moving away from their hometowns. 사람들이 대가족으로 많이 살지 않는다는 것만으로 중요성이 떨어진 것을 설명하지는 못합니다. 대가족으로 사는 형태가 오늘날은 효율적이지 못하다거나 하는 식으로 '중요성'과 연결되는 주장을 제시해주어야 합니다.
Another important cause is it the introduction of professional institutions that substitute basic roles of family in children's’ nurturing in particular. In the past, adults in a house were responsible for kids’ basic education and care. However, nowadays, professional care and education institutions are very common, such as a kindergarten or a nursery. 그래서 대가족으로 사는 것이 오늘날은 중요하지 않다는 점까지 연결해서 설명해주세요. Here is an example of my family. When I was a kid, I learned basic alphabets and number systems from proper teachers at kindergarten. However, my mom told me that she learned those basic educations from her grandparents. What this example indicates us is that the role that families used to play in the past have shrunk shrieked significantly.
In a nutshell, nowadays, people no longer spend their entire life in their hometowns with their families, and large families no longer play an important role, especially in kids’ nurturing. In this regard, I firmly agree with the given statement that the extended family is not as important now as before.
Comment :
대가족의 중요성이 줄어들었다고 보는 이유를 제시해야 하므로 '중요성'과 연결된 설명이 더 보완되어야 하겠습니다. 완전히 주제에서 동떨어진 내용이 아니므로 연결고리를 보완하면 주제에 맞는 답안으로 발전시킬 수 있을 것 같아요. 주제에 대한 답변이 될 수 있도록 내용을 더 보완해주시고, 오탈자 점검도 꼼꼼히 해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3/5
An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following :
- Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details
(일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함)
- Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured
(문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남)
- May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning
(문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음)
- Displays facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety and range of vocabulary, though it will probably have occasional noticeable minor errors in structure, word form or use of idiomatic language that do not interfere with meaning
(글의 의미를 손상시키지 않는 범위 내에서 사소한 문장구조, 단어 형태 오류를 보일 수 있으나, 전반적으로 어휘・통사적 다양성을 갖춘 유창한 언어 사용을 보임)